Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I haven't posted in forever but I have been keeping up with many of the blogs I started reading at the end of last year! I am so happy for so many of my fellow bloggers who have become pregnant during the last 9 months - in fact one blogger is going in for her scheduled C tomorrow and will finally get to meet her twins, such exciting news! And one blogger just announced today that her HCG levels are rising and she is pregnant - I wish her all the best in the upcoming months.
Now for my update - I am 22 weeks now and I am very happy to announce that we are having a little girl. I totally felt like it was going to be a boy but I was proven wrong. We've had two ultrasounds since 19 weeks and both determined that the gender was female, we have a 3D ultrasound booked in November which I'm looking forward to, I want to see my little tummy monkey dance around again!
I have all my bedding for the nursery and now we have to paint, decorate and assemble the furniture (once it arrives)! I'm really excited to get the nursery set up, so I can dress it and start putting all of her little clothes into the room - all the fun girly stuff!
The pregnancy thus far hasn't been too bad, I started taking diclectin for morning sickness at around 11 weeks, we've tried to ween me off it but I'm still taking two pills a day and still feeling sick in the evenings. I have been feeling her move since around 17 weeks but in the last 3 weeks I've noticed her getting much stronger. She moves around all the time - poking me and and kicking. I love her movement most of the time but at night when I'm trying to sleep I wish she would just calm down and sleep too. I've been having pretty bad back/hip pain the last week, I guess I'll just have to see what happens there. And sleeping is almost a joke - I can't get into a deep sleep. I fall asleep easily but only sleep a few hours and have to pee or just wake up for no reason and can't fall asleep again or get comfy. My dh says I toss and turn all night to - ohwell!
I hopefully will update more often! I have a few pics to post. There is a 19 week ultrasound pic and a few from my 19 week maternity shoot. I've been working with a photographer who is building his maternity portfolio, so we are doing a series from 19 weeks and are planning to do at least 2 more shoots!
Best of luck to everyone!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
My husband just pointed out we will be out of the country then so I have an excuse to change the appointment. Hopefully they will move it up and not further back.
I don't know - apparently waiting until the 13th week is common practice, but I don't really consider my pregnancy an average one. When people go through so much hassle to conceive I think that more monitoring is necessary - if only to keep them sane. My friend who is having her baby today was seen at 6 weeks by her OB and then every month from that point on. I guess I could look for another OB - there are lots to choose from, but I was with this doctor because he was recommended my our fertility doctor. Grrr...I don't like hassle, and I know from speaking with the receptionist at the OB's office...trying to change the appointment is going to be a hassle.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I can't help it, I just don't think I needed to here that information. Some comment was made between her and my husband that our babies will only be a month a part and I couldn't help myself from saying...'yeah...that's if both pregnancies continue, since its still early days!'...I know it was bitchy but its the truth!
I'm also kindda on edge about the hematoma they found during the ultrasound...I keep checking for blood and its driving me kind of nuts. Its not that I am worried that its going to affect the pregnancy but knowing that I am probably going to bleed in the next few days or weeks is bugging me, especially since I wont be seeing anyone until my 14th week. That's 5 more weeks before I see the OB and after weekly updates it just feels weird to have to wait so long. I guess it will be fine, it just feels like a long time to wait!
Anyways...happier news...my best friend is having her baby tomorrow and I am super excited!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
We saw and heard the heart beat today, which was amazing! I didn't think we would get to hear anything today, but we did and our little one's heart was loud and clear. My husband was only able to come in after the tech had done her job, but I also didn't see the screen until he came in so we got to see everything for the first time together.
After the ultrasound we spoke with our doctor, who confirmed everything looked great. He said that at this point there is only a 3% change of miscarriage, so with that news we decided to let people know whats going on. We are tired of having to lie to everyone who asks about baby stuff, since so many family members and friends knew we were going through infertility treatment, it has been almost impossible to keep them out of our current good news loop. So the news is out - we will be expecting our first baby February 9th, 2010.
The only unusual news we received was that I have a small blood clot on the placenta wall (something that occurred when the yok sac was detaching or something). Anyways, I was told it WILL NOT affect the pregnancy in anyway, but to expect some brown spotting or bleeding in the next few weeks as it will eventually detach and expel. So I'm not supposed to worry about it. My next ultrasound should be around 11 weeks, but it will be determined by my new OB since I am now officially released from IVF Canada!
For your viewing pleasure...introducing baby in his or her first photo...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I'm not 'that' nervous about the upcoming ultrasound because I have been feeling SO sick, but there is still a little part of me that is worried that there will be no heartbeat and this will be over. But fingers crossed that that's not the case. I've also still been having mild cramps and stretching feelings going on in my uterus area, they freak me out every time...but when they don't happen I get worried because I haven't felt anything for awhile. My boobs have slightly increased in size, I already have big boobs but I got a shock today, as I discovered how big they REALLY are.
My best friend is having her baby (C-section) next Wednesday, we went today to get her some maternity bras from a fancy boutique downtown. For the hell of it I was also fitted to see what size I was ( I knew my Victoria Secret DD bras were too small and I was never really sized for a bra). Now I am 5'6" and around 135lbs (maybe a bit less now since I have been sick), I had no idea what my real bra size was nor how high the sizes actually went to. I was SHOCKED to discover that I measured 32G cup...holy cow...and I'm only 8 weeks preggo...I don't even want to imagine what size I'll end up when breast feeding, the cup sizes goes up to M! Anyways, I did treat myself to a totally sexy maternity/nursing bra that fits me amazingly and gives a little room for my cup size to increase and lots of room for my ribs to expand. This place had the most awesome bras, the brand I got was HOTMILK...so cute.
Anyways, I'll update on Thursday - hopefully with only good news to report!
Monday, June 22, 2009
I asked them what the median beta results should be at this point and they said anywhere between 5000 - 200000, which wasn't really helpful. But they said my number is exactly where it should be right now. When I punch the number into the the doubling time calculator my doubling time right now is 2.3 days, so everything still looks good there since I'm 6w4d today and between the 6th and 7th week hcg levels can take as long as 3.5 days to double.
Other then the beta news...all I have to report is nausea and morning sickness, which is more like all day sickness and especially evening sickness. I have only puked once but I feel queasy all the time and it gets much worse later on in the afternoon and evening. However, I really wanted this morning sickness, so I'm sucking it up and waiting for the first trimester to be over (although my mother was sick her whole pregnancy x2).
On a final note, much to my dismay we have to wait 10 more days till the first ultrasound. It just seems so long away. My non-infertile friends got ultrasounds at the same time I will or sooner, I'll be in the 8th week by then. Ohwell...I guess I've waited this long a few more days wont hurt.
Monday, June 15, 2009
One more beta in one weeks time and then if all is still well...the first ultrasound the following Monday!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Ok...so I guess I'll have nothing to post for another week, although I'm sure I'll keep POAS if only to keep me sane over the next 6 days.
So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get some more good news this afternoon, and that the next few weeks continue to go well.
For your viewing pleasure...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The 2ww went by fairly smoothly and quickly - I'm not sure I want it to end though. I think I prefer living in ignorant bliss, not knowing if it worked or not. I have no idea if it did or didn't work. I started cramping last Monday, which made me think AF was going to come...but its been 7 days of on again / off again cramping and no sign of AF...not even any spotting or coloured discharge. The cramping seems to be worse in the evenings and during the night...some times strong enough to wake me up. More then once I've thought AF had reared her ugliness and I've run to the bathroom to check, but nothing!
Of course I've googled every thing to do with cramping during the 2ww and have read countless stories of women who experienced similar cramping only to end up pregnant. Yet I've also read probably as many stories where women cramped and didn't end up pregnant. So, I guess the only real truth can be known tomorrow...I'm dreading it! I feel doomed to failure, but at the same time I keep thinking my luck has to change some time...since we've already had so much crap news...maybe good news is on the horizon. I don't know...I think until I have a baby in my arms I will only know failure and not be able to except the possibility of success (in regards to my fertility...or lack there of it)!
As of now I plan on sticking with my original plan. Go first thing tomorrow morning for the beta, come home, POAS and face reality - whatever it may be this cycle. I don't think I can be too upset if it didn't work, but I know I'll be ecstatic if it did work. So here's to hoping for a positive pee-stick and beta, one more evening of ignorant bliss, hopefully a good nights sleep and the strength to get through the next few days!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I guess I wont know until Monday...since I am refusing to POAS. I know it sounds negative...but today...this is just how I feel. If it is a negative on Monday...I think the most annoying part is going to be explaining it to our parents/siblings...no matter how many times we/I try to tell them that this is NOT a sure thing...they don't seem to get it. They just assume that it will work for sure...if 2 embryos are in there - then why wouldn't I be pregnant. Ahhh...I can't stand trying to explain to them...over and over again. My mother in-law called again today for an update...I get that she is excited...but geeezzz...there is nothing to update!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Today is 10dp3dt, my clinic doesn't run a first beta until 15days. So I still have 5 more to go and I am refusing to POAS! The clinic advised against it...but there is a very specific reason why I have been avoiding POAS. I am hosting a baby shower for my 'way too fertile' friend this Saturday. I don't want to have my own baby hopes crushed...and then have to host a baby shower! Everyone expected me to throw the shower, since I am the party planner...and when I agreed to it back in November...I had NO idea our fertility problems were going to be so complex...we still thought our only issue was the PCOS...and were told that clomid/timed intercourse should result in a baby.
Oh well...I've totally enjoyed planning the party...and its kept my mind off of the 2ww! And seriously who would have ever thought that the party would end up falling only a mere few days before my first IVF beta...heck...I sure didn't...I thought I would for sure be pregnant by now!
So the only real update I have is... I am refusing to POAS...which is sorta killing me! (I think I am close to kicking the habit though...I did it so much over the last 18 months...I think there are only so many negative results one can read before they can't take it any more!) I am still having various symptoms though...but its hard to tell if they are drug induced or pregnancy induced. My boobs are killing me...trying to sleep has been hard because my boobs hurt so much, its like an achy/ tingly hurt that is present all the time...not just to touch. And I have been having cramps for at least 3 days, they feel like AF cramps...but no sign of AF or even any spotting. I have a few theories about the cramps...I have read many blogs where women have totally thought their IVF cycle was a bust because they were sure AF was coming but but never shows and they end up pregnant. So...I am taking the cramps as a good sign for two main reasons: 1.) Af hasn't started 2.) I have really long cycles...and it would be out of character to have AF cramps this early.
I'm not saying I think I am pregnant because at this point I still feels like its fifty-fifty! I haven't given up hope...but I am still being cautiously optimistic. I think of it like this...say I have a 30% chance of success this first round of IVM...if the weather report says sunny with clouds and a 30% chance of precipitation...everyone assumes...its not going to rain for sure...because its only a 30% chance. So...I can't get too excited...I feel like the odds are still against me in some way...because I know for sure I wouldn't bring my umbrella for only a 30% chance of rain...so I'm definitely not going to go out and start buying baby gear!
Whatever the outcome of this cycle...I'll survive...and I'll try again...and again...until I get the prize. For now I have 5 more days to go until I know for sure...my plan is to go in first thing Monday morning...have my blood drawn. Come home...and then POAS...that way if I do get a BFP-it will be confirmed later that day with the beta results. And if its a BFN...I can lessen the blow...get out my frustration before the clinic calls with unpleasant news.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
If the emmies were going to stop dividing and not make it any further (at this point) they will have already stopped. There are so many things that could have already gone wrong. Since the other embryos that didn't make it were such poor quality...I still worry that the two they transferred will end up sharing the same poor quality fate.
Or maybe...the two they transferred are still kickin it in the ute...and I'll get a big fat positive in 8 days. The wait is killing me though...knowing that both or one of the emmies could have made it...and having to wait to know...bahhh...ohwell! Patience has never been a strong point for me.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
When the phone rang this morning I was still half asleep. We pulled ourselves together and picked it up...and to our surprise...the embryologist told us our two remaining embryos had dived and were looking good. We couldn't believe it! She said they were surprised as well...but they look good and will be transferred tomorrow morning at 7:30am...as long as they are still fine at transfer time.
So...to our amazement we still have two 4 cell B-grade embryos. When I asked about the difference between an A or B grade the embryologist explained that the A-grade has no fragmentation of the cells, B has few fragments...and the grading continues to C,D and E-grades...the lower the grade equals more fragmentation of the cells and the less likely hood of implantation. She said that the pregnancy rates between A and B grade embryos are almost exactly the same...so that is also good news.
OK...we have something good to look forward to this cycle. Despite this cycle not turning out quite as we expected it to...it looks like we will have two embryos to transfer tomorrow...and all we can do know is sit back and wait.
I'll update tomorrow after the transfer...I don't plan on doing much of anything for a few days...just sitting around and hoping the little 'emmies' settle in for the long haul!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Turns out 8 of my 9 eggs matured...which was great news...then they were fertilized with ICSI. So technically we/our RE were expecting little to no problems with the initial process of fertilization...of course there may have been issues with embryos continuing to divide but not with just fertilizing. As of 11am today we did have 2 'normally fertilized' embryos, 4 'abnormally fertilized' and 2 that did nothing at all...which was VERY unexpected...especially since we used ICSI. It appears as if there is an issue with either our eggs or sperm...there is a genetic mutation that is screwing things up and we wont know any more details then that...since a genetic specialist would have to look into it...and apparently that would be like $10,000.00!
I am pissed...I just can't believe we have been hit with infertility X 3...female factor, male factor and now genetic factor...whoot whoot...man my husband and I are real winners! I am so mad right now.
Our next steps will have to be determined after our 'case' is reviewed. But we will see what is happening with our 2 fertilized embryos tomorrow...the embryologist said not to get our hopes up but since the other 6 were so fucked up (paraphrasing here) we shouldn't have high hopes for the two that seemed to have started to divide. At this point if they don't survive/take...we will have to start a process of elimination...either try this way again, attempt with donor sperm to confirm male genetic factor and if that doesn't work then I guess try ovum donation to confirm female genetic factor...I just don't know...this whole thing just got a lot messier.
I don't know what I am feeling right now...I have a lot more to say about this but I'll post again tomorrow after I hear more news.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I was surprised to hear what the embryologist had to tell us before we left - which is also why I don't feel ecstatic about this mornings retrieval. Two days ago they counted at lest 14 follies measuring around 14mm - I was under the impression that at least 14 could have been retrieved and possibly more smaller ones since this is an IVM cycle not IVF. There was also the possibility of retrieving already mature eggs - but they were mainly expecting immature eggs since we are doing IVM.
What was actually retrieved today were 9 eggs all immature. Now its not that I am unhappy with this because 9 eggs are still better then no eggs...its just I was expecting more and there was no explanation as to why we only ended up with 9. Maybe its just the way things are.
What is most annoying to me is my husbands reaction - he thinks I should be perfectly happy with 9 eggs and he doesn't see why it upsets me. First off this is IVM not IVF, which means my eggs have 24 hours to mature and usually only 70-80% mature. So lets say 7 make it to fertilization, we are using ICSI, so all 'should' fertilize. Then the remaining embryos need to continue to divide for 2 additional days before transfer. Hopefully all (say) 7 make it and two embryos are transferred. Which means we would have 5 left to freeze, but they need 2 additional days to make it to the blastocyct freeze stage and it is very unlikely that all of the remaining embryos will survive until the freeze stage. So I'm 'guessing' our best case scenario ends up leaving us with 1 or 2 embryos to freeze, which also means that if they don't take the first time I will probably end up having to go through this all over again.
I guess I was just hoping for a higher amount of eggs retrieved, so that if it doesn't work the first time there would be a greater chance of having more frozen embryos so I could avoid the whole retrieval process again. Errrr...I really just think its my husbands attitude that makes me the most upset/annoyed...its fine for him to think of ONLY the positive...all he'll have to do is jerk off into cup if we end up needing to go through this again.
I'm trying to stay positive - this cycle is what it is! I can't change what has already happened and I don't really have any control over what will or might happen. I plan on just taking it day by day the next couple of weeks. I wont have anymore news until Saturday, so until then I'll just be waiting.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I just checked a blog I follow...I was hoping for some good news...she got her beta results back today...but unfortunately it was a BFN after an IVF cycle...that totally sucks...fuck...why does this have to be so difficult for some of us!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I'm excited and a little shocked that everything seems to be moving along...the last week has been emotional and stressful as I have been constantly on edge and worrying that they might cancel the cycle. I take my HCG injection tonight at 7:30, tomorrow is a day off from blood and ultrasounds and Thursday morning at 9:30 I have my ovum retrieval. It still doesn't seem real!
Friday, May 15, 2009
The ultrasound showed at least 10 follies between 5-9mm and 15+ little follies - which the doctor said was great. I had my first injection by the nurse before we left and DH will give me the next ones over the next few days. I'm back to the clinic on Sunday for more blood/ultrasound...but surprisingly...so far so good! My fingers will be crossed until retrieval day and then there will be the next things to worry about...how many good embryos we will get...and the the dreaded two week wait! It should be an interesting few weeks.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
To my surprise he had me start 10 days of prometrium to induce a bleed...if AF started before the prometrium was completed they would be able to do the IVM this cycle and if I needed to take the full 10 days of the prometrium...they would have to wait until the next round of IVM...something to do with not being able to do the treatment after a withdrawl bleed.
Once again...I fully expected to have my body let me down...but only 6 days into the prometrium...AF started. I called in my cycle day 1 to our clinic and booked our cd3 ultrasound and blood work. I went yesterday for the cd3 ultrasound...they were going to be counting my follicles and making sure I had enough to begin the IVM treatment. This was going to be the decision day...the yes or no...I was so stressed about it.
During the ultrasound both the doctor and the IVM director were in the room with me. The doctor was counting the number of follies...and the director says..."oh wait...is that a cyst!" I was instantly in a panic...because I knew a cyst would mean a cancelled cycle for sure...but again to my surprise... the doctor said..."nope it doesn't look like a cyst to me". The director said at least three times "are you sure...I think its a cyst."...and more than three times the doctors reply was "its fine...it is not a cyst"! Right after the ultrasound was finished I was told everything looked good and we would be going thru with the IVM this cycle...however...the director added..."but we will be keeping a close look on that bigger follicle"...so all though it was good news...we still have to be cautiously optimistic...because just like any IVF cycle...they could pull the plug at any point during the cycle...if things aren't progressing as they should.
But we paid our fees yesterday...so we are now over $6000.00 poorer...which kindda makes this whole process seem more real! We go back on Friday for our cd6 ultrasound/blood and as long as everything still looks good...I will start my injections cd6 thru to cd8 or 9. Beginning cd6 I will also have daily blood drawn to monitor my levels and to determine when they will do the retrieval.
So...the possible treatment out line should look something like this...give or take a few days after the injections and before the retrieval:
- CD1 call in and book ultrasound (Sunday May 10)
- CD3 ultrasound/blood (Tuesday May 12)
- CD6 ultrasound/blood and start injections (Friday May 15)
- CD7 Injections/blood (Saturday May 16)
- CD8 same (Sunday May 17)
- CD9 determine from blood/ultrasound if I need one more day of injections (Mon May 18)
- Between CD10-13 HCG injection and egg retrieval (Tues May 19 - Thurs May 21)
- Egg retrieval day - eggs are matured for 24 hours (Thurs May 21)
- 1 day post retrieval - eggs are fertilized with ICSI (Fri May 22)
- 4th day post retrieval - embryo transfer (Mon May 25)
- 2WW (Over June 8th)
Monday, April 20, 2009
There was still the slight chance I could have conceived this month...but I tested this morning and it was a big old negative! I'm already 19-20 dpo...so if I was going to get a positive result...it most likely would have showed up by now! The more likely reason this has happened is I didn't actually ovulate this cycle...I ovulated twice on the 50mg of clomid...both times I had progesterone levels between 90-105...so there shouldn't have been any reason not to ovulate!
This complicates everything! I was laid off last month and we decided I wouldn't apply for new jobs since I was having the IVM this cycle...but I may have wasted over a month of NOT looking for work / working...since the next steps are going to take months! The clinic only does the IVM treatment in rounds every 2 to 3 months...so we have to wait until they are doing a round of treatment...if AF doesn't show by like tomorrow...(fat chance of that)...theoretically - they would put me on 2 months of birth control to regulate me. But...if they aren't doing IVM the month I am done the birth control...I will have to wait until the next round...so that could be as long as 4 months from now!
I tried calling the clinic today...but for some strange reason...no one was picking up! I will need to talk to the doctor to sort out what we are going to be doing next...but I seriously can't believe this is happening now! This is also taking a toll on DH and my relationship...we just weren't expecting this and don't know how to react...there is too much uncertainty and we need to sort out our infertility treatments and personal life.
Bahhh...I am so mad right now I don't even now how to react...I have kept going on a big self prescribed dose of denial for the last 5 days...unfortunately reality is going to have to sink in sooner rather then later!
Monday, April 6, 2009
For IVM you need to have a cd3 follicle count of at least 20 follies (which most true PCO patients all have)...I had 40+ follies which is more than ideal for the procedure. So on cd 1...which will hopefully arrive around April 14th...I call and book my cd 3 blood work and ultrasound. Due to my lack of ovulation without clomid I still get worried even after a clomid cycle that I may not have ovulated, which would totally mess things up. Anyways... cd 6 another ultrasound/blood work and I will start the low dose gonadotropins to stimulate my ovaries for three days. Cd 8 - third ultrasound/blood to monitor growth of follicles and from this point on I will have daily blood/ultrasounds until I am ready for egg retrieval (usually between cd 10-14). On the day of the egg retrieval...DH will give a sample in case we have already matured eggs to be fertilized...since we are doing invitro maturation, when my eggs are retrieved most of them will not be ready for fertilization for 24h...once retrieved they will be put into a maturation liquid to continue to mature. Since I had 40+ follicles they think they will probably be able to retrieve between 20-35 eggs...maybe 20-25 will mature ( not all retrieved eggs will mature)...and since we are using ICSI...all eggs that mature will be fertilized. 4 days after the egg retrieval...I go in for the embryo transfer...and then its the 2ww. It all seems soooo crazy but exciting.
We will have remaining embryos...we plan on culturing them for 2 more days ... until they are blastocysts...and then freezing them for future attempts. There is just so much to research I still want to do...especially concerning the freezing of embryos.
Well that is everything I have to update...I'm just waiting for cd 1 and then I will have some serious news to report next cycle.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Good news...we were able to sort out exactly what is going on with the IVM yesterday, and we found out we will be doing our first round of IVM next cycle. We will know more details after next weeks one on one IVM orientation - hopefully it will be a little less basic then the last orientation.
We finally have something to get excited about.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Friday afternoon I went for my follicle count...the trans-vaginal ultra sound (which I have had a few times before) was a bitch...since it was done on Cycle day 3...I was having a really heavy flow and that damn wand was not helping...but I survived. The technician wouldn't tell me anything...but I'm hoping for anything over 20...which is optimal for the IVM treatment. Maybe I can get someone to tell me tomorrow.
We go to IVF Canada tomorrow for our IUI orientation, I'm planning on booking my IVM orientation then and hopefully I'll be able to speak to someone in person about IVM treatments and the information package they gave us. I'm still really excited about the "big" possibility that we will get to do the IVM very soon...especially since we are 1 of the 20 couples in the pilot program. Although, I am so used to going month after month and NOT getting pregnant...that when it happens I wont believe that its true!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Anyways...he was taking with the director of the clinic this morning and she brought up 'our' case...he told her that he had recommended 3xIUI and then we would decide if we move onto IVF. She totally disagreed with him and wants us to move onto IVM, which I'm a perfect candidate for! Our doctor talked to me on the phone and then went and got the director and had her talk to us. She explained that DH's sperm...in addition to the low count had a low morphology...specifically there were a large number with deformed heads. She explained that the bad morphology would decrease our chances of conception with IUI due to issues with the sperm not being able to penetrate the eggs. She believes we would be wasting our time by solely doing the IUI's.
So...IVM is our next step! I didn't even know what it was (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/522444_print), apparently PCOS patients are the perfect candidates for it because they already have many immature follicles...this is the first time I've been happy about something to do with my PSOvaries! They make me one of the 12% of people who can partake in this treatment for infertility...whoot for good infertility news! Basically it is like an IVF cycle without the horrible IVF drugs, they just aspirate the immature follicles and mature them outside of the body...then use ICSI...inject a single spermie into each matured egg and create embryos...very simplified explanation! And each round only costs $3000.00, which is a great deal cheaper then the $10,000.00 IVF treatments. IVF Canada is the only fertility clinic in Ontario doing this procedure right now, and they are still in trial runs. However, they have been having great success with it - the director said they were getting 46% pregnancy rate/cycle...which is great news! Downside is - since they are only in the early stages of practicing this procedure they are only doing it in rounds every three months. So, hopefully we get in for the next round...but we will still be trying with IUI in between IVM cycles.
I go tomorrow morning for a follicle scan and blood work...ideally I need more then 20 immature follicles...so here's to hoping for lots of little follies...come on PCOS...I hope you've been in over-drive! I am so excited...this is great news for me...I'm am so grateful that our case caught the clinic directors eye...because if I had of found this information out after 3 failed cycles...I may not have been as happy about this great news!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Anyways, we confirmed that I did ovulate again with a progesterone level of 98, so most likely at least two eggs again. The SFA came back...with little to no change. There were so many numbers and variables I didn't even bother writing them down, especially since it wont make a bit of difference if I know the exact numbers. Our doctor said we would be moving onto the IUI, however, due to another screw up on his part...we will once again miss my next cycle.
They wont do the IUI until my HIV /other blood tests come back, which takes three to four weeks. When I asked him why he didn't do the tests 6 months ago when we started seeing him, he said he just assumed I had already had the tests! F-him! He even told my husband a month ago that I was going to need the tests, but when I called and asked him about it he had no idea what I was talking about and said we would talk about any further testing at the next appointment! Anywhoo...during our appointment today all of my frustration must have started to show...because my asshole doctor said in a very condescending tone...you need to relax (one of the things you don't tell an infertile)...it wasn't a caring tone it was condescending and nasty. He said I needed to stop being upset about this stuff and get on with it...after he said this...I let a tear slide...and my doctor jumped on me and basically said I was being rediculous for being upset. I tried to defend myself by asking him why he thought I didn't have the right to be upset...and he said something about this is nothing to do with rights that I was just over reacting. OK...what really pisses me off is...I wasn't even crying...no hysterics...no sobbing...not even a snotting nose...just a few stray tears of emotion...and I was totally attacked. Apparently I was/am supposed to be a ROBOT and not have any emotion. Even longer story short...he threatened me with psychiatric evaluation...he was pretty much threatening to stop treatment...all because I let a few tears of frustration and emotion go. I HATE him...errr....so I basically sucked it up and did the whole "Yes..sure...whatever...yep...I'm over reacting...oh..yes...is that what you wanted to here"...stick.
We go for the IUI orientation next Wednesday at 1pm, and then we wait for my blood work to come back. After that we just wait for my next cycle... pay them $650.00 and see what happens. Can't say I'm excited...just annoyed that we wont know if the IUI might even work until at least May 8th...errr....I don't even want to think about it.
Other unusual fertility news...I'm 16 dpo...no AF...and no AF cramps and BFN this AM...weird. If I don't get AF before Thursday...I'm going for a blood test. But now that I've written it down...I'm sure I'll get AF in the night.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Well I am now blogging from home...on Mondays...and well...everyday of the week...for now! Friday afternoon, at 4:00pm, I was laid off. Not really surprising, the terrible economy has put our company in shambles and for the last month and a half they have been letting go of two to three people every Friday afternoon. We have had ZERO sales since the new year...and there has been nothing really for anyone to do for months. My last work friend was also let go on Friday, so if they had of kept me on...it would have been unbearable in that office without my last comrade.
Anyways...the short story is...I hated where I worked...so it is a blessing in disguise. My husband is really happy I'm not working there anymore, mostly because I complained about it day and night for over a year. However, starting a new job somewhere is going to be difficult right now if I'm going to need time off for fertility appointments. Our plan is to see what happens tomorrow at the decision appointment...and then decide if I will go back to work right away or not. My husband thinks I should stay home for awhile, I'm conflicted because there are always so many projects I want to get done and if we go to IVF the extra cash will defiantly be needed. I should have a better feeling about it tomorrow after our appointment.
Fertility wise - I'm 15dpo, no AF yet, but AF-like cramps. Tested yesterday and got BFN, decided not to test today...if I don't get AF by tomorrow morning I'll test again. But I'm doubtful!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I'm back to my count downs:
- 1 more day till the weekend
- 3 more days until I should now for sure if this cycle's end result will be either a BFN or BFP, also know as AF
- 5 more days until our next fertility appointment
I was going to say 8 more days till my next round of clomid (if BFN)...but our fertility appointment might change that...so the furthest I can plan for now is until Tuesday...hmmm! This is annoying for me...I like to be in control and know whats happening.
On a happy note...another blog that I follow http://babydanser.blogspot.com/ just announced the best news yesterday...she is having twins! Such happy news...and it gives me hope! I used to be terrified about having twins...and being on the clomid only worried me more since it increases your chance for twins. But lately I've been thinking that twins might not be that bad...two at once...might take the pressure off of "needing" to have another. I don't know...I guess all I'm saying is I wouldn't be 'as' worried now if I found out I was having twins.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Even if this cycle is another bust...our next fertility appointment is in 6 days. We will be able to start with either the IVF or move onto the IUI. At this point I'm really hoping we just move on to IVF, I just want some progress and to have some success. If his count is still low...I have little faith in the IUI. We have been seeing our fertility specialist for 7 months now and I still feel like we are exactly where we were 6 months ago after one month with our specialist. I was diagnosed within a month and we found out there was a low sperm count in December...two full months have passed and NO progress has been made...its just so frustrating!
And I hate our doctor - this is something I haven't really mentioned on here. There is just too many things to list why I don't like him! But the short of it all is...if I had to choose again I would choose some one who showed some concern and more compassion for their patients. I would switch now...but I just don't want to waste anymore time. As I said...too many negatives surrounding my feelings towards our doctor...I don't even want to get into this this morning...maybe I'll vent on a day when I really need to complain!
Anyways...guess I'll test and post tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Yesterday was an unusual day. We went with our pregnant friends to another couple's place (they already have an 18 month old). I was really dreading going, I didn't want to feel like the big elephant in the room - the one infertile that still doesn't have a baby or even a pregnancy. Turns out it wasn't 'as' bad as I thought it might be.
Our friends who already have a son are going through a really hard financial and medical time. She was just laid off and he is been having some very serious 'unexplained' medical issues. Their situation brought me back to reality a little more, it made me realize that our infertility situation is not the end of the world and that things could be much worse.
I deal with my other pregnant friends numerous days a week, dealing with her wasn't an issue. However, as the evening went on my two friends went through piles of baby gear. It was difficult to see all the cute little outfits, knowing that it might take years for me to have a baby to put in those outfits, while my preggo friend will have her bundle of joy in only a few short months.
All in all, the evening went much better then I expected. Blood work tomorrow, and only 6 more days still testing...or the arrival of AF.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I can't wait to see what our next steps are going to be. Are we going to be thrown into IVF? or are we going to try the IUI? I think if we are told IUI is the next step for us I am going to have to sit down with DH and set a limit to how many IUI's we will do before trying IVF. I think the max amount of IUI cycles I will try for is 4, if nothing happens within 4 cycles I think I will be back to fixating on our fertility failure. When I go over possible future fertility scenarios in my head, I always wonder how much I (personally) will be able to take before I really crack. I stress that fact "REALLY CRACK" because after over a year of fertility disappointment I know I have already cracked. I am not the same person I was before we started TTC, I would defiantly classify myself as emotionally and physically damaged. Month after month with no TTC success has really taken a tole on me, as I am sure it has with every other fellow infertile. I just wonder what is my breaking point? When do I just say enough is enough, and either take a break from TTC or give up entirely. I know I am only a year into this and there are many women who have spent year after year TTC, but I still wonder when I'll hit my breaking point.
Last night I just could not sleep, I was dreaming about my best friends baby. Just images of her and the baby (which we just found out is going to be a boy), anyways, I woke up and realized I never have dreams about myself having my own babies. I just don't think I can even imagine it anymore, it just seems so unlikely or at least so far off that I don't think I can even visualize it anymore. I still hope to prove myself wrong, but only time will tell.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Unfortunately when I take the clomid sex during ovulation is really painful, DH just doesn't get it! (Sorry in advance for all the upcoming TMI) I can hardly let him get in the pain is so bad, but about two days after ovulation everything is back to normal. I've been using Instead Soft Cups to push the "stuff" up further and keep it near my cervix for a couple hours afterwards. The cups have been working pretty well, DH wont just put his "stuff" into the cups he insists we have sex and then I insert the cup to keep it all in place. However, this morning was a disaster. I was in pain (which I know is a turn off for DH) but I was at least trying to fake that I was into it. Then when I was trying to put the damn cup in I lost at least half the "stuff"...so annoying! I really can't wait for this baby making stuff to be done with. At least I am completely tracking my ovulation now...so we can have 'normal / fun' sex when I know there is no chances of conceiving! I gotta say...it was not a very nice "good-bye" morning...in fact it was a terrible way to part for the next 5 days!
All I can do now... is sit back and wait through the dreaded 2ww!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
On Friday we were still debating if DH should go for the SA this week, since I just finished my Clomid and will be ovulating. I did some OPK's and there is a very faint line, but nowhere near dark enough to ovulate yet, so off he went to the fertility clinic. Hopefully I will ovulate between Thursday and Sunday - since we can't do anything till Thursday. I'm still twingy...so my ovaries are hopefully still working for me on the 50mg/Clomid.
I have little faith in conceiving this month, but will try all the same. I'm looking forward to learning whether or not we will be moving onto the IVF or IUI. It all depends how shitty DH's sperm are looking after this recent analysis. Everything for me seems to be a count down lately...counting down to conception, ovulation, cycle day 1, two-week-wait, test results...etc., I am currently counting down to ovulation, then the 2ww and finally the three week count down to our 'Next Steps'!!! I will be very happy when my life is not centered around producing a baby.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
-AF finally showed up Wednesday evening (after a call to the Dr. I guess it got scared into starting on its own)
-Started the Clomid Monday morning, I hate comid. My Dr, says there are no side affects from it but I beg to differ...I get the most terrible hot flashes day and night, pounding headaches that last for hours, and I get nauseous in the evenings.
I have to keep remembering that all the drugs I'm taking will eventually give me our baby - its the only way I can stay sane. I just wish there was a drug you could give your DH which made him experience the same symptoms as you, then maybe he would actually understand what your going through! All DH needs to go through and provide is a simple sample when requested.
We are still waiting on DH's blood work, once we get it he will go for the more detailed SA. After that they will either approve us for IVF or IUI. I am so tired of waiting. Hopefully I will ovulate on my own this month, which should help keep me on a more regular cycle. Next cycle, if we are moving onto IUI, I will will be able to combine the clomid and IUI right away. However, if we are going the IVF route - it will probably be a May IVF cycle. It takes so long, I just don't think I can handle anymore babies being born around me or even any news of others getting pregnant.
Its a combination of my frustrations and the clomid talking...anyways...2 more days of clomid (I'm already feeling pain in my ovaries...which I'm taking as a good sign...last time I hyper-ovulated on the 50 mg)...and only 9 more days till I know if I O'ed!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
DH will be back Saturday morning, I can't wait...I'm done being at home and alone!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
- The count was low.
- The lab screwed up and has delayed us.
- The delay means we miss my next cycle.
Sometimes he and I just really don't seem to be able to do anything but agree to disagree on things. We see everything so differently.
If I had to pull good news out of what we learned yesterday I would list it as:
- At least he had sperm.
- Even though we aren't doing anything further with my next cycle, I will be back up to the 50 mg of clomid that made me hyper-ovulate the first time, so even with the low count maybe my extra eggs will help.
- There is still hope. IUI will give us better chances and IVF is the best of the best for our situation. And hopefully in 5 weeks we will be on our way to one of these treatment options.
So back to watching the clock, I'll be waiting for AF to come (5 more days of prometrium), DH's blood work and next analysis. Man I just want an ounce of good luck with the baby-makin stuff, some good news would be great! BAHAAHAA....like that's gonna happen.
Gloomy. Spending tonight with my preggo friend...yeah for me! (gag) House work, dwelling on our infertility and getting ready for DH to leave on Sunday for a week (I hate business trips).
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
DH has his appointment tomorrow. I know its nothing to get excited about, but even a little tid-bit of news would make it seem like we are making some progress.
By Friday we will now his numbers and my curiously will be satisfied. I have to say, I know this might sound terrible but I was slightly glad there ended up being a fertility issue with DH too. Before he found out there might be something wrong with his swimmers, he showed far less compassion towards my feelings concerning my own infertility. He didn't seem to take my PCOS seriously, but as soon as he learned about his own infertility its like a switch went off and he began taking our situation much more seriously. I think it was something that needed to happen to bring both of us closer together and give us a more united front. That being said - it still fraking sucks that his slow swimmers might be another strike against us in the baby making game.
OK...tick...tock...I'll be watching the clock until AF comes...time seems to have slowed down this morning. Why can't my weekend days seem to last as long as my work days.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I discovered a new blog http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2009/01/infertility-is-for-birds.html , I LOVE IT. She is great, very funny and made me laugh out loud numerous time at my desk this morning during my morning time wasting session. I'll have to follow her journey and see what happens, I hope she continues to blog while she is pregnant because that journey's ups and downs from her prospective will have to be a good read.
Two days with the prometrium down - eight more days to go. I was/am hoping that AF starts before I am done, but I have NO AF symptoms so I doubt it is going to start anytime soon! The prometruim makes me SO tired, I can sleep for hours and still feel tired. The last time I took it my stomach also was quite upset. I have been having tummy grumbles the last two days but it might be the Metformin, I slacked off with my meds for the last couple of weeks and have started to take my vits and Met diligently again. I just get so fed up of feeling sick all the time (which is how I feel with the Met), feeling like crap but with no baby success!
Three and a half more days till DH's appointment, we will get the actual sperm count and he is having another analysis done. I am curious what the Dr. has to say at the appointment. I am the worlds most impatient person and having to wait cycle to cycle, appointment to appointment, phone call to phone call, etc...drives me nuts, why can't it just happen. So many other women make it look so easy.
My best friends is one of those women, (I feel a super rant coming on)!!! Her and I have talked about having kids for years, at the beginning of 2008 when I said I was going to start trying she was still having doubts. At the time she said she didn't think they would even start trying for a least a few years, she had a slew of excesses but I was determined to get her to have a baby the same time as me so we could do all the baby stuff together. Little did I know that having a baby would be slightly harder then I ever imagined. So we began trying...and I also began looking for a house for her and her hubby to move to...a house that was closer to us...(which is also closer to their work). I found their dream house...too bad it was also my dream house...long story short...they moved into the house in July. I was shocked that I wasn't pregnant at this point...but kept thinking, by next month it will happen. Once into their new house they made the decision they would also start trying for a baby in September. I was slightly worried that she would get pregnant before me...but also thought...if it has taken me this long and I am still not pregnant and she is six years my senior...I'm sure she wont get pregnant right away. Her and I even cycled together at the end of September, I thought this was great and imagined how neat it would be if we got pregnant at the same time. But my period came and hers did not! I thought that it had to be because she had just come off the pill, she couldn't have been pregnant...but she was! I was so angry and upset! I couldn't even look at her for a week, which is a big deal since we talk every day and see each other at least 4 times a week. She felt bad, I was just plan old mad...I was the one who set their plans in motion and convinced her to start trying...it was just so annoying...so many times I have thought...I wish I had never helped them find the house, never pushed for them to start trying...I'm sure they would have done both those things on their own but not a the accelerated rate in which they happened with my pressure.
Anyways, what makes it even more maddening is that she takes her pregnancy for granted all the time, she complains about it, says how much she hates it and hates how it has and is going to change her. I just want to slap her every time she bitches about being pregnant and say...listen I would give anything to be in your shoes right now so shut the f*%k up and deal with it, be happy you have your child growing inside you and that it is healthy and will be with you in your arms in only a few months. I've told her these thoughts...just not so bluntly...but boy would I love to scream them at her sometimes. So far she is only 15 weeks pregnant, and hardly showing, as time goes on and her belly continues to grow I don't know how I am going to continue to face her...every time I look at her all I can seem to think about it that she is pregnant and I am not!
This brings me to another point, how my infertility seems to consume my every minute of every day, it even creeps into my dreams. I don't know how much more I can mentally take, and then I read other peoples blogs about how they have been TTC for years and years and I feel bad that I complain so much and in reality its only just been over a year for me!
I have many more rants and raves to get out about this, but for today I think that will have to do it!