Monday, February 2, 2009

Dream this morning...


I almost forgot...I had a terrible dream this morning. It goes sorta as follows, details are starting to become fuzzy...


My preggo friend was the main character in this dream and the reason for my heartache. In my dream, preggo gave birth, but didn't call me for like two weeks. When I finally got there, it was as if everyone had already seen the new baby but me - my friend had to show me all the pictures with everyone we know and the baby. I tried asking her why she didn't tell me and she brushed it off. The baby was a girl, I asked her how long she knew it was a girl and she just said "we've know for weeks now", I was so sad that she hadn't shared the news with me since we talk all the time about it.


I reminded her about her up coming baby shower and she replied "I don't think I will be able to make it - the baby can't leave the house". This made me more upset because it is something else we talk about all the time. We have a friend who had her baby and stopped doing everything - its been over a year and a half and she still doesn't go anywhere or do anything. My preggo friend and I made a promise to each other that no matter what...babies or no babies we wont let our social lives come to a complete end when we do have our kids. I was so mad / upset that she was already turning into that other friend.


Just before I woke up, I told my friend that I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't' be around her or the baby any more, at least until I had my own baby.


This was more of a nightmare than a dream...I don't think it is a sign of actual events to come but I do think that it is a sign of my emotions and feeling regarding my friends pregnancy. I can't stand that she is pregnant right now and that I am not. I can't stand that she might actually have her baby before I even get pregnant. I hate that it was so easy for her and it is so difficult for me. Yet I don't want to loose her friendship, I can't wait for the day when I look back on trying to conceive and see it only as a distant memory.

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