2WW

Five days down only nine more to go! I hate the 2ww...I hate it even more when I am pretty sure that there is nothing to wait for...other than another cycle. Anyways, I will be happy for the 2ww to be over since our "decision appointment" is also right after the dreaded 2ww.

I can't wait to see what our next steps are going to be. Are we going to be thrown into IVF? or are we going to try the IUI? I think if we are told IUI is the next step for us I am going to have to sit down with DH and set a limit to how many IUI's we will do before trying IVF. I think the max amount of IUI cycles I will try for is 4, if nothing happens within 4 cycles I think I will be back to fixating on our fertility failure. When I go over possible future fertility scenarios in my head, I always wonder how much I (personally) will be able to take before I really crack. I stress that fact "REALLY CRACK" because after over a year of fertility disappointment I know I have already cracked. I am not the same person I was before we started TTC, I would defiantly classify myself as emotionally and physically damaged. Month after month with no TTC success has really taken a tole on me, as I am sure it has with every other fellow infertile. I just wonder what is my breaking point? When do I just say enough is enough, and either take a break from TTC or give up entirely. I know I am only a year into this and there are many women who have spent year after year TTC, but I still wonder when I'll hit my breaking point.

Last night I just could not sleep, I was dreaming about my best friends baby. Just images of her and the baby (which we just found out is going to be a boy), anyways, I woke up and realized I never have dreams about myself having my own babies. I just don't think I can even imagine it anymore, it just seems so unlikely or at least so far off that I don't think I can even visualize it anymore. I still hope to prove myself wrong, but only time will tell.

hmmm

Well...DH just left for RI until Friday...I wanted to make sure we got one more shot with this cycle...so I set the alarm for REALLY EARLY sex. What a disaster...we were both way too tired, but I was determined to make it work.
Unfortunately when I take the clomid sex during ovulation is really painful, DH just doesn't get it! (Sorry in advance for all the upcoming TMI) I can hardly let him get in the pain is so bad, but about two days after ovulation everything is back to normal. I've been using Instead Soft Cups to push the "stuff" up further and keep it near my cervix for a couple hours afterwards. The cups have been working pretty well, DH wont just put his "stuff" into the cups he insists we have sex and then I insert the cup to keep it all in place. However, this morning was a disaster. I was in pain (which I know is a turn off for DH) but I was at least trying to fake that I was into it. Then when I was trying to put the damn cup in I lost at least half the "stuff"...so annoying! I really can't wait for this baby making stuff to be done with. At least I am completely tracking my ovulation now...so we can have 'normal / fun' sex when I know there is no chances of conceiving! I gotta say...it was not a very nice "good-bye" morning...in fact it was a terrible way to part for the next 5 days!
All I can do now... is sit back and wait through the dreaded 2ww!

O-ing NOW

We had our Oscar Party last night, which was great. I was in pain all evening...but kept trying to put it out of my mind. Finally I did a OPK at 1 AM, when my guests had all gone home / gone to bed...and it was a HUGE +!!! The last time I O'ed on the 50 mg/Clomid I had crazy ovulation pain too, it was so bad I had to leave dinner at the restaurant and roll up in a ball back at our hotel. This cycle was also exactly 9 days from Clomid to ovulation - same as my other successful clomid cycle.

I feel relieved now that I am like 95% positive I did O this cycle, since last cycle was a bust! It still sucks that DH's sperm might be too crappy to make use of this O, if is doesn't work this cycle we will hopefully be able to make better use of my next cycle with the IUI (if thats was our Dr. decides)! I did another OPK this AM, and my LH surge is definitely still present - I'm still feeling the ovarian pain too. We 'baby-danced' Friday night, Sunday night...and we'll have to try again Tuesday morning before DH goes to RI for work. We caught this O just in time, DH's work travel always worries me that might miss something.

So...I'm cycle day 20 and am officially, once again, in the 2ww! Sorry...I just had to put a pic in of my +OPK...getting a + when my PCOS ovaries work for me is the best news I've had in months!

Weekend Update

Our Valentines weekend was great! We had to make an early start with the Valentine's sex, as we were planning on DH giving a sample today (Tuesday). Saturday, DH took me shopping and we spent Sunday in Niagara, saw a show and spend some good quality time together. Yesterday we caught a movie and chilled at home for Family Day.

On Friday we were still debating if DH should go for the SA this week, since I just finished my Clomid and will be ovulating. I did some OPK's and there is a very faint line, but nowhere near dark enough to ovulate yet, so off he went to the fertility clinic. Hopefully I will ovulate between Thursday and Sunday - since we can't do anything till Thursday. I'm still twingy...so my ovaries are hopefully still working for me on the 50mg/Clomid.

I have little faith in conceiving this month, but will try all the same. I'm looking forward to learning whether or not we will be moving onto the IVF or IUI. It all depends how shitty DH's sperm are looking after this recent analysis. Everything for me seems to be a count down lately...counting down to conception, ovulation, cycle day 1, two-week-wait, test results...etc., I am currently counting down to ovulation, then the 2ww and finally the three week count down to our 'Next Steps'!!! I will be very happy when my life is not centered around producing a baby.

Twinge

OK...today was the last clomid pill...and I'm already super twingy in the ovarian area...please be my ovaries hard at work! I'm hoping for multiple eggs this month...come on...multiple births don't scare me...OK they do...but I'll take all the chances I can get!

SA and blood work confusion...

So, we've been waiting for DH's blood work to come back so he could schedule the next SA at the IVF clinic. I've been bugging DH to call since Friday to see if the blood work was in (he was instructed by our fertility Dr. to call his office for the results before we called IVF Canada).

Anyways, as usual if I leave things up to DH - they don't get done or at least they don't get done right! He finally called on Tuesday AM, spoke with the receptionist...who quite obviously blew him off...and said she would speak to the Dr. about the blood work. I was really on his case about this as we REALLY needed the SA done this week, since I'm O'ing next week and need all the swimmers I can get and since he is away the following week. I wanted to make sure everything was sorted out this cycle, so next cycle we would know whether we were moving onto the IUI or IVF.

Yesterday afternoon, we still hadn't heard anything...I called my mom at work (she works with our fertility specialist every Wednesday at the hospital). She ran it by our Dr., and he said they had had DH's blood in since last Thursday and already faxed the info to the IVF clinic. SO...either DH misheard and was supposed to keep checking with the IVF clinic or the Dr. just forgot to call us. Whichever the case...DH is still the one who screwed up, if he had of called last week and kept pestering the secretary (like I, the hormone crazed infertile does) we would have got the info needed and made the SA appointment. But that didn't happen...and the IVF clinic doesn't do the SA testing again till next Tuesday.

We have two options now...risk it and have him go for the SA on Tuesday in the hopes that I don't ovulate until Thursday or later. But that also means no sex all Valentines weekend...when we already have a mini-trip planned...and I might miss my O next week.

or

We frack it and forget about it until he can test next (Mar. 3), which means we'll most likely miss sorting this out and knowing about the IVF or IUI before my next O.

I'll have to play it by ear and see how I feel about it this weekend. Its just annoying me knowing we could have had it sorted out and done with this week. Its hard for me not to be mad a DH, since I believe that he is the reason this got screwed up, like I said in my last post...I wish there was a pill he could take to make him go through everything I have to endure...then maybe he would get why screw ups/mistakes like this upset me so much.

Crazy Week

Last week DH was in the hospital for 2 days for an abscess that was obstructing his airway - but is fine now after having it drained and some much needed rest.

Quick update:
-AF finally showed up Wednesday evening (after a call to the Dr. I guess it got scared into starting on its own)
-Started the Clomid Monday morning, I hate comid. My Dr, says there are no side affects from it but I beg to differ...I get the most terrible hot flashes day and night, pounding headaches that last for hours, and I get nauseous in the evenings.

I have to keep remembering that all the drugs I'm taking will eventually give me our baby - its the only way I can stay sane. I just wish there was a drug you could give your DH which made him experience the same symptoms as you, then maybe he would actually understand what your going through! All DH needs to go through and provide is a simple sample when requested.

We are still waiting on DH's blood work, once we get it he will go for the more detailed SA. After that they will either approve us for IVF or IUI. I am so tired of waiting. Hopefully I will ovulate on my own this month, which should help keep me on a more regular cycle. Next cycle, if we are moving onto IUI, I will will be able to combine the clomid and IUI right away. However, if we are going the IVF route - it will probably be a May IVF cycle. It takes so long, I just don't think I can handle anymore babies being born around me or even any news of others getting pregnant.

Its a combination of my frustrations and the clomid talking...anyways...2 more days of clomid (I'm already feeling pain in my ovaries...which I'm taking as a good sign...last time I hyper-ovulated on the 50 mg)...and only 9 more days till I know if I O'ed!

Dream this morning...

I almost forgot...I had a terrible dream this morning. It goes sorta as follows, details are starting to become fuzzy...

My preggo friend was the main character in this dream and the reason for my heartache. In my dream, preggo gave birth, but didn't call me for like two weeks. When I finally got there, it was as if everyone had already seen the new baby but me - my friend had to show me all the pictures with everyone we know and the baby. I tried asking her why she didn't tell me and she brushed it off. The baby was a girl, I asked her how long she knew it was a girl and she just said "we've know for weeks now", I was so sad that she hadn't shared the news with me since we talk all the time about it.

I reminded her about her up coming baby shower and she replied "I don't think I will be able to make it - the baby can't leave the house". This made me more upset because it is something else we talk about all the time. We have a friend who had her baby and stopped doing everything - its been over a year and a half and she still doesn't go anywhere or do anything. My preggo friend and I made a promise to each other that no matter what...babies or no babies we wont let our social lives come to a complete end when we do have our kids. I was so mad / upset that she was already turning into that other friend.

Just before I woke up, I told my friend that I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't' be around her or the baby any more, at least until I had my own baby.

This was more of a nightmare than a dream...I don't think it is a sign of actual events to come but I do think that it is a sign of my emotions and feeling regarding my friends pregnancy. I can't stand that she is pregnant right now and that I am not. I can't stand that she might actually have her baby before I even get pregnant. I hate that it was so easy for her and it is so difficult for me. Yet I don't want to loose her friendship, I can't wait for the day when I look back on trying to conceive and see it only as a distant memory.

Monday morning

I hate Monday mornings! I had a terrible sleep last night, DH is sick and snoring like crazy, and I had the most terrible "AF-like" cramps all night. The only thing that seemed to help was my heating pad...I rolled around and moaned all night in a half-sleep / half-awake daze! I totally expected that AF showed up in the night but my tampon was dry in the AM, nothing not even a spot - so very disappointing! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be praying for my period to come. I'm still having AF cramps, BAD ones, but only off and on this morning.

It is 5dp the prometrium, I've never made it this far without AF showing up. I called my Dr. this morning, told the secretary that I'm on cycle day 45, 10 post prometrium and still no AF. She said that the Dr. wasn't in till tomorrow and he'd call me then, but she thinks if it doesn't show up he will start me on another round of Prometrium. Something I didn't want to hear - another 10 days plus say 2-3 for AF to start! That means my next cycle would start around the 16th of February...errrr...I hate the waiting game! Why do I have to have such messed up ovaries and why does DH have to have such shitty sperm? Questions I will never know and there are no answers to!