Just waiting a little more

I still have one more day to go before our first ultrasound Thursday morning. It has been torture waiting this long to see anything...so many of my fellow infertiles have seen there little beans at least once already. But I guess I shouldn't complain, I was blessed with a BFP after IVM cycle#1 and my bloodwork looked great three weeks in a row.

I'm not 'that' nervous about the upcoming ultrasound because I have been feeling SO sick, but there is still a little part of me that is worried that there will be no heartbeat and this will be over. But fingers crossed that that's not the case. I've also still been having mild cramps and stretching feelings going on in my uterus area, they freak me out every time...but when they don't happen I get worried because I haven't felt anything for awhile. My boobs have slightly increased in size, I already have big boobs but I got a shock today, as I discovered how big they REALLY are.

My best friend is having her baby (C-section) next Wednesday, we went today to get her some maternity bras from a fancy boutique downtown. For the hell of it I was also fitted to see what size I was ( I knew my Victoria Secret DD bras were too small and I was never really sized for a bra). Now I am 5'6" and around 135lbs (maybe a bit less now since I have been sick), I had no idea what my real bra size was nor how high the sizes actually went to. I was SHOCKED to discover that I measured 32G cup...holy cow...and I'm only 8 weeks preggo...I don't even want to imagine what size I'll end up when breast feeding, the cup sizes goes up to M! Anyways, I did treat myself to a totally sexy maternity/nursing bra that fits me amazingly and gives a little room for my cup size to increase and lots of room for my ribs to expand. This place had the most awesome bras, the brand I got was HOTMILK...so cute.

Anyways, I'll update on Thursday - hopefully with only good news to report!

Beta # 3

Just got the result for the 28dp3dt beta and the number was 46981 - which I am pleased with. I called the clinic and they couldn't find my beta results which totally freaked me out because I completely thought something went wrong. But they just ended up running the tests a few times and my results hadn't come in.

I asked them what the median beta results should be at this point and they said anywhere between 5000 - 200000, which wasn't really helpful. But they said my number is exactly where it should be right now. When I punch the number into the the doubling time calculator my doubling time right now is 2.3 days, so everything still looks good there since I'm 6w4d today and between the 6th and 7th week hcg levels can take as long as 3.5 days to double.

Other then the beta news...all I have to report is nausea and morning sickness, which is more like all day sickness and especially evening sickness. I have only puked once but I feel queasy all the time and it gets much worse later on in the afternoon and evening. However, I really wanted this morning sickness, so I'm sucking it up and waiting for the first trimester to be over (although my mother was sick her whole pregnancy x2).

On a final note, much to my dismay we have to wait 10 more days till the first ultrasound. It just seems so long away. My non-infertile friends got ultrasounds at the same time I will or sooner, I'll be in the 8th week by then. Ohwell...I guess I've waited this long a few more days wont hurt.

Beta # 2

Ok...today was a big day! I was sick with nerves all morning and was dreading the call about the second beta. I was hoping for a number around 5000'ish (since doubling every two days would have brought me to 5018 at 21tp3dt. I was super happy to find out that this beta was...5870...so all is good in beta land! (And the clinic is also really pleased with the number!)

One more beta in one weeks time and then if all is still well...the first ultrasound the following Monday!

Beta #1

First Beta: 418 - they said they were very happy with that number and it was a good strong positive for 14dp3dt. I'm pleased with the number, but my next beta wont be for another week. I'm a little bummed about this...I wish I could see the numbers doubling so I could be reassured that everything was moving along. A whole week...I don't know how I'll survive...especially with the cramping...I'm going to be on edge all week.

Ok...so I guess I'll have nothing to post for another week, although I'm sure I'll keep POAS if only to keep me sane over the next 6 days.

The first part of the day is over

I stuck to my plan...went for my blood work, came home, POAS...and then was too nervous to even look at it. I was so positive that this cycle was a bust. I plucked up the courage...peeked at the pee-stick...and POW...it was a big frakin POSITIVE!!! I seriously couldn't believe it and still can't really believe it. DH is really happy and we told both of our parents that at least the pee-stick was a positive. I'll get the beta results back at 2pm - so hopefully the numbers will be ok. But right now I am ecstatic that my pee-stick came back positive. This is my first positive pregnancy test (which I was thinking might not ever happen) and I am just thrilled we make it this far. After we got the initial shock that there were so many issues with just initial fertilization I was worried that the 2 embryos might not continue to divide pass the 3 day mark, never mind implant.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get some more good news this afternoon, and that the next few weeks continue to go well.

For your viewing pleasure...

Last day

This is the last day/the last post before tomorrow's beta. I still have not POAS (I don't know how I've managed that...but I did)...technically I could now...since enough time has passed...but I wont because I'm going to stick to my plan.

The 2ww went by fairly smoothly and quickly - I'm not sure I want it to end though. I think I prefer living in ignorant bliss, not knowing if it worked or not. I have no idea if it did or didn't work. I started cramping last Monday, which made me think AF was going to come...but its been 7 days of on again / off again cramping and no sign of AF...not even any spotting or coloured discharge. The cramping seems to be worse in the evenings and during the night...some times strong enough to wake me up. More then once I've thought AF had reared her ugliness and I've run to the bathroom to check, but nothing!

Of course I've googled every thing to do with cramping during the 2ww and have read countless stories of women who experienced similar cramping only to end up pregnant. Yet I've also read probably as many stories where women cramped and didn't end up pregnant. So, I guess the only real truth can be known tomorrow...I'm dreading it! I feel doomed to failure, but at the same time I keep thinking my luck has to change some time...since we've already had so much crap news...maybe good news is on the horizon. I don't know...I think until I have a baby in my arms I will only know failure and not be able to except the possibility of success (in regards to my fertility...or lack there of it)!

As of now I plan on sticking with my original plan. Go first thing tomorrow morning for the beta, come home, POAS and face reality - whatever it may be this cycle. I don't think I can be too upset if it didn't work, but I know I'll be ecstatic if it did work. So here's to hoping for a positive pee-stick and beta, one more evening of ignorant bliss, hopefully a good nights sleep and the strength to get through the next few days!

Mabybe...Maybe NOT

I don't know why...maybe its the cramps...or maybe its just a feeling...but if I was a betting person...I'd put money down on this cycle as a failed one. I just have a feeling today that it didn't work. I can't explain why...I just feel like it didn't work. I would love to be wrong but I have a feeling that the verdict on Monday...is going to be a big fat negative.

I guess I wont know until Monday...since I am refusing to POAS. I know it sounds negative...but today...this is just how I feel. If it is a negative on Monday...I think the most annoying part is going to be explaining it to our parents/siblings...no matter how many times we/I try to tell them that this is NOT a sure thing...they don't seem to get it. They just assume that it will work for sure...if 2 embryos are in there - then why wouldn't I be pregnant. Ahhh...I can't stand trying to explain to them...over and over again. My mother in-law called again today for an update...I get that she is excited...but geeezzz...there is nothing to update!

Ok...waiting hasn't been 'that' bad...

I thought the 2ww was going to be torture, especially knowing that there were two (at least three day) embryos in the ute this time. But surprisingly it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated it might be. Time as been moving along...I've been keeping myself busy...party planning, shopping and gardening (but a more laid back kind of gardening since I was advised to 'take it easy'.)

Today is 10dp3dt, my clinic doesn't run a first beta until 15days. So I still have 5 more to go and I am refusing to POAS! The clinic advised against it...but there is a very specific reason why I have been avoiding POAS. I am hosting a baby shower for my 'way too fertile' friend this Saturday. I don't want to have my own baby hopes crushed...and then have to host a baby shower! Everyone expected me to throw the shower, since I am the party planner...and when I agreed to it back in November...I had NO idea our fertility problems were going to be so complex...we still thought our only issue was the PCOS...and were told that clomid/timed intercourse should result in a baby.

Oh well...I've totally enjoyed planning the party...and its kept my mind off of the 2ww! And seriously who would have ever thought that the party would end up falling only a mere few days before my first IVF beta...heck...I sure didn't...I thought I would for sure be pregnant by now!

So the only real update I have is... I am refusing to POAS...which is sorta killing me! (I think I am close to kicking the habit though...I did it so much over the last 18 months...I think there are only so many negative results one can read before they can't take it any more!) I am still having various symptoms though...but its hard to tell if they are drug induced or pregnancy induced. My boobs are killing me...trying to sleep has been hard because my boobs hurt so much, its like an achy/ tingly hurt that is present all the time...not just to touch. And I have been having cramps for at least 3 days, they feel like AF cramps...but no sign of AF or even any spotting. I have a few theories about the cramps...I have read many blogs where women have totally thought their IVF cycle was a bust because they were sure AF was coming but but never shows and they end up pregnant. So...I am taking the cramps as a good sign for two main reasons: 1.) Af hasn't started 2.) I have really long cycles...and it would be out of character to have AF cramps this early.

I'm not saying I think I am pregnant because at this point I still feels like its fifty-fifty! I haven't given up hope...but I am still being cautiously optimistic. I think of it like this...say I have a 30% chance of success this first round of IVM...if the weather report says sunny with clouds and a 30% chance of precipitation...everyone assumes...its not going to rain for sure...because its only a 30% chance. So...I can't get too excited...I feel like the odds are still against me in some way...because I know for sure I wouldn't bring my umbrella for only a 30% chance of rain...so I'm definitely not going to go out and start buying baby gear!

Whatever the outcome of this cycle...I'll survive...and I'll try again...and again...until I get the prize. For now I have 5 more days to go until I know for sure...my plan is to go in first thing Monday morning...have my blood drawn. Come home...and then POAS...that way if I do get a BFP-it will be confirmed later that day with the beta results. And if its a BFN...I can lessen the blow...get out my frustration before the clinic calls with unpleasant news.