Still waiting...

DH is home now, sick and a little grumpy - but home. I started getting really crampy last night and this morning but still no AF. It has to start today or tomorrow, these cramps can't be for nothing.
Here to hoping for AF!!!

Waiting

I've finished my prometrium...now the waiting game! Hopefully my cycle starts soon. I am planning my next O around DH's wrk travel schedule. No real cramps...no discharge...no AF signs yet! Last time AF started before I was even finished the prometrium, I was shocked that it didn't come early this time and still hasn't showed. I am having twinges/slight pain in my right ovary, I hope its not a cyst.

DH will be back Saturday morning, I can't wait...I'm done being at home and alone!

Catch up

First off...I thoroughly enjoyed my "sick day" yesterday. I needed some veg time by myself. And after my bosses stupidity on Friday I didn't feel an ounce of guilt. The stupid women walked into the office Friday morning and said aloud "Are you menstruating?" ...What the F?... Who says that? I believe she was trying to make a comment about my recent flair up of acne, but give me a break! I didn't even know what to say other then...ummm...no! But I would love to have AF now, 2 more nights of prometrium and then I wait to see if it worked.

Weekend update:

Friday night - Preggo friend comes over, determined to find a Doppler for sale to try and hear the heart beat. She is 15 weeks, I try to tell her we probably wont hear anything but she insists she wont be upset if we don't hear anything. We find one, spend some time on playing around with it, think we found the heat beat and even record it on the computer to map out the beats. I tell her lets make sure we don't hear the same thing on anyone else stomach, so I record the same sounds coming from my DH's lower abdomen, and it sounds the exact same. LOL...it was just a bunch of fast gurgling sounds. Needles to say, she was disappointed.

Saturday - We got ready for DH to leave, laundry, packing, breakfast out, shopping, etc. Preggo friend comes over again because her DH is outta town, watched Brothers Soloman and Dangerous Liaisons.

Sunday - Hung out with DH, did laundry and whined that he was going away.

Monday - Watched 'Gone with the Wind' for the 10th time, plan on starting 'Scarlett' the mini-series tonight.

SA news...

DH had his appointment with the Dr. last night. He called from the car to tell me the results, which I was disappointed about but he seemed surprisingly ok with (or fake ok with).

SA #1:

count - 9 mil/ml

motility - 50%

morphology - 20%

We have been waiting since before Christmas to know the actual results, we knew the count was low, but the Dr. said not impossibly low. I was disappointed because I was hoping for a higher count. I guess I was just wishing the Dr. would say "The count is around 20-30 mill/ml but we would like to see it higher". But that was not the case.

However, the lower then expected count was not the main reason for my frustration last night. DH's blood work was screwed up at the lab, no one noticed until DH was sitting in front of the Dr. It was a genetic marker test (the most important one apparently) and it was not completed. This screws up a few things, first off DH was supposed to go for a more advanced analysis today. But that was cancelled because they wont do it until the blood work is complete. This further screws things up because the blood test will take THREE weeks, then he will go for the analysis, which will take another 2 weeks. This all needs to be done before we can move onto anything further treatment. Which means...we will miss my next cycle. SO ANNOYING! Anyways, once the next analysis is done (say 5 weeks from now) IVF Canada will write a final report recommending/approving us for either IUI w/ a wash or that we go straight to IVF. Either way...it looks like we are going to have to start saving our pennies for the IVF Canada doctors.

I mentioned that DH surprisingly seemed ok with all of this news, in fact he was annoyed that I took it as bad news. I frankly don't understand what was good news:

1. The count was low.


2. The lab screwed up and has delayed us.


3. The delay means we miss my next cycle.
   

Sometimes he and I just really don't seem to be able to do anything but agree to disagree on things. We see everything so differently.

If I had to pull good news out of what we learned yesterday I would list it as:

1. At least he had sperm.



2. Even though we aren't doing anything further with my next cycle, I will be back up to the 50 mg of clomid that made me hyper-ovulate the first time, so even with the low count maybe my extra eggs will help.



3. There is still hope. IUI will give us better chances and IVF is the best of the best for our situation. And hopefully in 5 weeks we will be on our way to one of these treatment options.
   

So back to watching the clock, I'll be waiting for AF to come (5 more days of prometrium), DH's blood work and next analysis. Man I just want an ounce of good luck with the baby-makin stuff, some good news would be great! BAHAAHAA....like that's gonna happen.

Weekend forecast:

Gloomy. Spending tonight with my preggo friend...yeah for me! (gag) House work, dwelling on our infertility and getting ready for DH to leave on Sunday for a week (I hate business trips).

Just Waiting

OK...Prometrium 3 days down - 7 more to go! Still no AF symptoms! When I know I've had a failed cycle I can't wait for AF to start, nothing would make me more happy then to find out AF started today. I just want to move on to the next cycle and try again, before I start getting bummed that we are still not pregnant after a year of TTC. Sometimes I get so discouraged I wish I could just give up, the emotional toll every failed cycle takes seems to crush me. I just keep hoping that I will be one of the lucky ones who can post her success story, rather then her journey thru infertility.





DH has his appointment tomorrow. I know its nothing to get excited about, but even a little tid-bit of news would make it seem like we are making some progress.
By Friday we will now his numbers and my curiously will be satisfied. I have to say, I know this might sound terrible but I was slightly glad there ended up being a fertility issue with DH too. Before he found out there might be something wrong with his swimmers, he showed far less compassion towards my feelings concerning my own infertility. He didn't seem to take my PCOS seriously, but as soon as he learned about his own infertility its like a switch went off and he began taking our situation much more seriously. I think it was something that needed to happen to bring both of us closer together and give us a more united front. That being said - it still fraking sucks that his slow swimmers might be another strike against us in the baby making game.

OK...tick...tock...I'll be watching the clock until AF comes...time seems to have slowed down this morning. Why can't my weekend days seem to last as long as my work days.

thoughts...

I've spent the morning reading other people's blogs, it helps to know I am not the only one suffering with infertility. However, I do worry that reading about others unsuccessful attempts with TTC only discourages me more. I don't know, I suppose I just need to focus on the success stories. So much time and effort seems to be put in to every ones blog, I guess it becomes addictive and only time will tell if I too start pouring myself into blogging. God knows my job would allow me to, I spend hours upon hours surfing on the net wasting time, researching and dwelling about my infertility. I'd love a new job, one that would interest or challenge me, but I keep thinking what if this is the month "it" happens! I don't want to 'just' get pregnant and start a new job. However, I have been saying that for months now!

I discovered a new blog http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2009/01/infertility-is-for-birds.html , I LOVE IT. She is great, very funny and made me laugh out loud numerous time at my desk this morning during my morning time wasting session. I'll have to follow her journey and see what happens, I hope she continues to blog while she is pregnant because that journey's ups and downs from her prospective will have to be a good read.

Two days with the prometrium down - eight more days to go. I was/am hoping that AF starts before I am done, but I have NO AF symptoms so I doubt it is going to start anytime soon! The prometruim makes me SO tired, I can sleep for hours and still feel tired. The last time I took it my stomach also was quite upset. I have been having tummy grumbles the last two days but it might be the Metformin, I slacked off with my meds for the last couple of weeks and have started to take my vits and Met diligently again. I just get so fed up of feeling sick all the time (which is how I feel with the Met), feeling like crap but with no baby success!

Three and a half more days till DH's appointment, we will get the actual sperm count and he is having another analysis done. I am curious what the Dr. has to say at the appointment. I am the worlds most impatient person and having to wait cycle to cycle, appointment to appointment, phone call to phone call, etc...drives me nuts, why can't it just happen. So many other women make it look so easy.

My best friends is one of those women, (I feel a super rant coming on)!!! Her and I have talked about having kids for years, at the beginning of 2008 when I said I was going to start trying she was still having doubts. At the time she said she didn't think they would even start trying for a least a few years, she had a slew of excesses but I was determined to get her to have a baby the same time as me so we could do all the baby stuff together. Little did I know that having a baby would be slightly harder then I ever imagined. So we began trying...and I also began looking for a house for her and her hubby to move to...a house that was closer to us...(which is also closer to their work). I found their dream house...too bad it was also my dream house...long story short...they moved into the house in July. I was shocked that I wasn't pregnant at this point...but kept thinking, by next month it will happen. Once into their new house they made the decision they would also start trying for a baby in September. I was slightly worried that she would get pregnant before me...but also thought...if it has taken me this long and I am still not pregnant and she is six years my senior...I'm sure she wont get pregnant right away. Her and I even cycled together at the end of September, I thought this was great and imagined how neat it would be if we got pregnant at the same time. But my period came and hers did not! I thought that it had to be because she had just come off the pill, she couldn't have been pregnant...but she was! I was so angry and upset! I couldn't even look at her for a week, which is a big deal since we talk every day and see each other at least 4 times a week. She felt bad, I was just plan old mad...I was the one who set their plans in motion and convinced her to start trying...it was just so annoying...so many times I have thought...I wish I had never helped them find the house, never pushed for them to start trying...I'm sure they would have done both those things on their own but not a the accelerated rate in which they happened with my pressure.

Anyways, what makes it even more maddening is that she takes her pregnancy for granted all the time, she complains about it, says how much she hates it and hates how it has and is going to change her. I just want to slap her every time she bitches about being pregnant and say...listen I would give anything to be in your shoes right now so shut the f*%k up and deal with it, be happy you have your child growing inside you and that it is healthy and will be with you in your arms in only a few months. I've told her these thoughts...just not so bluntly...but boy would I love to scream them at her sometimes. So far she is only 15 weeks pregnant, and hardly showing, as time goes on and her belly continues to grow I don't know how I am going to continue to face her...every time I look at her all I can seem to think about it that she is pregnant and I am not!

This brings me to another point, how my infertility seems to consume my every minute of every day, it even creeps into my dreams. I don't know how much more I can mentally take, and then I read other peoples blogs about how they have been TTC for years and years and I feel bad that I complain so much and in reality its only just been over a year for me!

I have many more rants and raves to get out about this, but for today I think that will have to do it!

Our timeline...

I started this journey December 2007, my husband and I decided that it was time we start trying for a baby/babies. I went off B/C and waited for AF to come...which didn't happen until March. Between March and August there was no regularity to my cycles and I knew that something was wrong. Luckily my mother works with a Fertility specialist and was able to get me an appointment in mid-September.

Before the appointment I went through a series of tests so that when I saw the specialist he already had a good idea what was going on with my body and specifically my cycles. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS in September at my first appointment, and confirmed that I was anovulatory. Which meant that conceiving without medical intervention was going to be near impossible. Never in my wildest dreams did I think conceiving would be such a difficult journey.

I was put on a low-carb diet in combination with Metformin, with the hopes that I might ovulate on my own in Cycle #1- this did not happen. Because I did not ovulate, AF didn't start naturally and I had to take prometrium for 10 days to start my next cycle. The next step was clomid, I took 50mg of clomid cycle days 5-9. I ovulated on cycle days 17 or 18, which was confirmed by my 8+ days after ovulation blood work. I had a progesterone level of 103, which was high and meant I released at least 2 eggs that month (Cycle #2). Despite our "baby-dancing" in my fertile period I did not conceive that month (DEC '08). However, my husband and I were still hope full since I had ovulated. My doctor said that our chances of conceiving were as good as any other normal couple now and that it would most likely happen within the next three months.

Unfortunately, three days after our good news (DEC 22, 08) the doctor called about my husbands sperm analysis (which we pretty much insisted on getting - my husband and I just wanted to rule out any other possible problems). We didn't suspect that there would be any problems but ended up finding out that the analysis showed a low count. (The doctor said it was low but not impossibly low and we should 'at the moment' keep trying on our own.) So we were back to uncertainly and disappointment. My husband had some blood work done and was sent for another sperm analysis. We are still waiting for the results from the second round of testing. There is still hope with our male factor - since only one test can't provide "true" results and my faith in were he had the first analysis done is pretty low, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they screwed up the test.

Anyways, Cycle #3 started 14 days after ovulation. This cycle I was given a lower does of clomid, 25mg on days 5-9, because my progesterone levels were so high the previous month. I didn't want to reduce my dose since the 50mg had already worked but I agreed and let my doctor reduce the dose. I should have ovulated on Jan 5th or 6th, 2009 - I knew I had not, it just felt like it didn't happen. My "feelings" were confirmed (Jan 16th) when my doctor confirmed that I in fact did NOT ovulate.

So I am now waiting for Cylce #4 to start. Since I didn't ovulate this month I started the prometrium last night (Jan 18th) - I will take it for 10 days unless AF comes before that. My clomid is being brought back up to 50mg for cycle days 5-9. My husband has another appointment with the doctor on Thursday, so we will find out what his actual sperm count is then. I may push for IUI this cycle or next cycle, I'm going to get my H to ask about it while he is at his appointment.

This is my / our infertility story up until now. I will try to update this blog frequently, if only to help me with my own frustrations surrounding this unfortunate situation.

Baby dust to all who are suffering from infertility issues.