thoughts...

I've spent the morning reading other people's blogs, it helps to know I am not the only one suffering with infertility. However, I do worry that reading about others unsuccessful attempts with TTC only discourages me more. I don't know, I suppose I just need to focus on the success stories. So much time and effort seems to be put in to every ones blog, I guess it becomes addictive and only time will tell if I too start pouring myself into blogging. God knows my job would allow me to, I spend hours upon hours surfing on the net wasting time, researching and dwelling about my infertility. I'd love a new job, one that would interest or challenge me, but I keep thinking what if this is the month "it" happens! I don't want to 'just' get pregnant and start a new job. However, I have been saying that for months now!

I discovered a new blog http://murgdan.blogspot.com/2009/01/infertility-is-for-birds.html , I LOVE IT. She is great, very funny and made me laugh out loud numerous time at my desk this morning during my morning time wasting session. I'll have to follow her journey and see what happens, I hope she continues to blog while she is pregnant because that journey's ups and downs from her prospective will have to be a good read.

Two days with the prometrium down - eight more days to go. I was/am hoping that AF starts before I am done, but I have NO AF symptoms so I doubt it is going to start anytime soon! The prometruim makes me SO tired, I can sleep for hours and still feel tired. The last time I took it my stomach also was quite upset. I have been having tummy grumbles the last two days but it might be the Metformin, I slacked off with my meds for the last couple of weeks and have started to take my vits and Met diligently again. I just get so fed up of feeling sick all the time (which is how I feel with the Met), feeling like crap but with no baby success!

Three and a half more days till DH's appointment, we will get the actual sperm count and he is having another analysis done. I am curious what the Dr. has to say at the appointment. I am the worlds most impatient person and having to wait cycle to cycle, appointment to appointment, phone call to phone call, etc...drives me nuts, why can't it just happen. So many other women make it look so easy.

My best friends is one of those women, (I feel a super rant coming on)!!! Her and I have talked about having kids for years, at the beginning of 2008 when I said I was going to start trying she was still having doubts. At the time she said she didn't think they would even start trying for a least a few years, she had a slew of excesses but I was determined to get her to have a baby the same time as me so we could do all the baby stuff together. Little did I know that having a baby would be slightly harder then I ever imagined. So we began trying...and I also began looking for a house for her and her hubby to move to...a house that was closer to us...(which is also closer to their work). I found their dream house...too bad it was also my dream house...long story short...they moved into the house in July. I was shocked that I wasn't pregnant at this point...but kept thinking, by next month it will happen. Once into their new house they made the decision they would also start trying for a baby in September. I was slightly worried that she would get pregnant before me...but also thought...if it has taken me this long and I am still not pregnant and she is six years my senior...I'm sure she wont get pregnant right away. Her and I even cycled together at the end of September, I thought this was great and imagined how neat it would be if we got pregnant at the same time. But my period came and hers did not! I thought that it had to be because she had just come off the pill, she couldn't have been pregnant...but she was! I was so angry and upset! I couldn't even look at her for a week, which is a big deal since we talk every day and see each other at least 4 times a week. She felt bad, I was just plan old mad...I was the one who set their plans in motion and convinced her to start trying...it was just so annoying...so many times I have thought...I wish I had never helped them find the house, never pushed for them to start trying...I'm sure they would have done both those things on their own but not a the accelerated rate in which they happened with my pressure.

Anyways, what makes it even more maddening is that she takes her pregnancy for granted all the time, she complains about it, says how much she hates it and hates how it has and is going to change her. I just want to slap her every time she bitches about being pregnant and say...listen I would give anything to be in your shoes right now so shut the f*%k up and deal with it, be happy you have your child growing inside you and that it is healthy and will be with you in your arms in only a few months. I've told her these thoughts...just not so bluntly...but boy would I love to scream them at her sometimes. So far she is only 15 weeks pregnant, and hardly showing, as time goes on and her belly continues to grow I don't know how I am going to continue to face her...every time I look at her all I can seem to think about it that she is pregnant and I am not!

This brings me to another point, how my infertility seems to consume my every minute of every day, it even creeps into my dreams. I don't know how much more I can mentally take, and then I read other peoples blogs about how they have been TTC for years and years and I feel bad that I complain so much and in reality its only just been over a year for me!

I have many more rants and raves to get out about this, but for today I think that will have to do it!