Long overdue post

I haven't posted in forever but I have been keeping up with many of the blogs I started reading at the end of last year! I am so happy for so many of my fellow bloggers who have become pregnant during the last 9 months - in fact one blogger is going in for her scheduled C tomorrow and will finally get to meet her twins, such exciting news! And one blogger just announced today that her HCG levels are rising and she is pregnant - I wish her all the best in the upcoming months.

Now for my update - I am 22 weeks now and I am very happy to announce that we are having a little girl. I totally felt like it was going to be a boy but I was proven wrong. We've had two ultrasounds since 19 weeks and both determined that the gender was female, we have a 3D ultrasound booked in November which I'm looking forward to, I want to see my little tummy monkey dance around again!

I have all my bedding for the nursery and now we have to paint, decorate and assemble the furniture (once it arrives)! I'm really excited to get the nursery set up, so I can dress it and start putting all of her little clothes into the room - all the fun girly stuff!

The pregnancy thus far hasn't been too bad, I started taking diclectin for morning sickness at around 11 weeks, we've tried to ween me off it but I'm still taking two pills a day and still feeling sick in the evenings. I have been feeling her move since around 17 weeks but in the last 3 weeks I've noticed her getting much stronger. She moves around all the time - poking me and and kicking. I love her movement most of the time but at night when I'm trying to sleep I wish she would just calm down and sleep too. I've been having pretty bad back/hip pain the last week, I guess I'll just have to see what happens there. And sleeping is almost a joke - I can't get into a deep sleep. I fall asleep easily but only sleep a few hours and have to pee or just wake up for no reason and can't fall asleep again or get comfy. My dh says I toss and turn all night to - ohwell!

I hopefully will update more often! I have a few pics to post. There is a 19 week ultrasound pic and a few from my 19 week maternity shoot. I've been working with a photographer who is building his maternity portfolio, so we are doing a series from 19 weeks and are planning to do at least 2 more shoots!

Best of luck to everyone!!!

OB appointment

So the OB's office called with the first appointment details today and they booked me for August 17th!!! That will make me 15 weeks! Maybe this is me just over reacting but that seems way to long to wait, I thought waiting until 13 weeks was a long time.

My husband just pointed out we will be out of the country then so I have an excuse to change the appointment. Hopefully they will move it up and not further back.

I don't know - apparently waiting until the 13th week is common practice, but I don't really consider my pregnancy an average one. When people go through so much hassle to conceive I think that more monitoring is necessary - if only to keep them sane. My friend who is having her baby today was seen at 6 weeks by her OB and then every month from that point on. I guess I could look for another OB - there are lots to choose from, but I was with this doctor because he was recommended my our fertility doctor. Grrr...I don't like hassle, and I know from speaking with the receptionist at the OB's office...trying to change the appointment is going to be a hassle.

I still hate fertile people...

OK...I'll start off with even though I am pregnant now...when I hear stories of people getting pregnant super easy...it still pisses me off! My husband recently decided to rekindle a friendship with a girlfriend from university. Now I have never met this girl and it annoys me that he would choose this time in our life to contact this person...but whatever! Anyways she is getting married in a few weeks and we have to attend her wedding (ugghhh)...but to the point...I just answered my voice mail and there was a message from her. So my husband called her and she called specifically to announce to him that she is 4.5 weeks pregnant...gross! I couldn't care less that she is having a baby and I didn't need to have her rub it in that it only took one month...errr!!!

I can't help it, I just don't think I needed to here that information. Some comment was made between her and my husband that our babies will only be a month a part and I couldn't help myself from saying...'yeah...that's if both pregnancies continue, since its still early days!'...I know it was bitchy but its the truth!

I'm also kindda on edge about the hematoma they found during the ultrasound...I keep checking for blood and its driving me kind of nuts. Its not that I am worried that its going to affect the pregnancy but knowing that I am probably going to bleed in the next few days or weeks is bugging me, especially since I wont be seeing anyone until my 14th week. That's 5 more weeks before I see the OB and after weekly updates it just feels weird to have to wait so long. I guess it will be fine, it just feels like a long time to wait!

Anyways...happier news...my best friend is having her baby tomorrow and I am super excited!

Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today and everything looked great! There is one amazing baby with a strong heart beat.

We saw and heard the heart beat today, which was amazing! I didn't think we would get to hear anything today, but we did and our little one's heart was loud and clear. My husband was only able to come in after the tech had done her job, but I also didn't see the screen until he came in so we got to see everything for the first time together.

After the ultrasound we spoke with our doctor, who confirmed everything looked great. He said that at this point there is only a 3% change of miscarriage, so with that news we decided to let people know whats going on. We are tired of having to lie to everyone who asks about baby stuff, since so many family members and friends knew we were going through infertility treatment, it has been almost impossible to keep them out of our current good news loop. So the news is out - we will be expecting our first baby February 9th, 2010.

The only unusual news we received was that I have a small blood clot on the placenta wall (something that occurred when the yok sac was detaching or something). Anyways, I was told it WILL NOT affect the pregnancy in anyway, but to expect some brown spotting or bleeding in the next few weeks as it will eventually detach and expel. So I'm not supposed to worry about it. My next ultrasound should be around 11 weeks, but it will be determined by my new OB since I am now officially released from IVF Canada!

For your viewing pleasure...introducing baby in his or her first photo...

Just waiting a little more

I still have one more day to go before our first ultrasound Thursday morning. It has been torture waiting this long to see anything...so many of my fellow infertiles have seen there little beans at least once already. But I guess I shouldn't complain, I was blessed with a BFP after IVM cycle#1 and my bloodwork looked great three weeks in a row.

I'm not 'that' nervous about the upcoming ultrasound because I have been feeling SO sick, but there is still a little part of me that is worried that there will be no heartbeat and this will be over. But fingers crossed that that's not the case. I've also still been having mild cramps and stretching feelings going on in my uterus area, they freak me out every time...but when they don't happen I get worried because I haven't felt anything for awhile. My boobs have slightly increased in size, I already have big boobs but I got a shock today, as I discovered how big they REALLY are.

My best friend is having her baby (C-section) next Wednesday, we went today to get her some maternity bras from a fancy boutique downtown. For the hell of it I was also fitted to see what size I was ( I knew my Victoria Secret DD bras were too small and I was never really sized for a bra). Now I am 5'6" and around 135lbs (maybe a bit less now since I have been sick), I had no idea what my real bra size was nor how high the sizes actually went to. I was SHOCKED to discover that I measured 32G cup...holy cow...and I'm only 8 weeks preggo...I don't even want to imagine what size I'll end up when breast feeding, the cup sizes goes up to M! Anyways, I did treat myself to a totally sexy maternity/nursing bra that fits me amazingly and gives a little room for my cup size to increase and lots of room for my ribs to expand. This place had the most awesome bras, the brand I got was HOTMILK...so cute.

Anyways, I'll update on Thursday - hopefully with only good news to report!

Beta # 3

Just got the result for the 28dp3dt beta and the number was 46981 - which I am pleased with. I called the clinic and they couldn't find my beta results which totally freaked me out because I completely thought something went wrong. But they just ended up running the tests a few times and my results hadn't come in.

I asked them what the median beta results should be at this point and they said anywhere between 5000 - 200000, which wasn't really helpful. But they said my number is exactly where it should be right now. When I punch the number into the the doubling time calculator my doubling time right now is 2.3 days, so everything still looks good there since I'm 6w4d today and between the 6th and 7th week hcg levels can take as long as 3.5 days to double.

Other then the beta news...all I have to report is nausea and morning sickness, which is more like all day sickness and especially evening sickness. I have only puked once but I feel queasy all the time and it gets much worse later on in the afternoon and evening. However, I really wanted this morning sickness, so I'm sucking it up and waiting for the first trimester to be over (although my mother was sick her whole pregnancy x2).

On a final note, much to my dismay we have to wait 10 more days till the first ultrasound. It just seems so long away. My non-infertile friends got ultrasounds at the same time I will or sooner, I'll be in the 8th week by then. Ohwell...I guess I've waited this long a few more days wont hurt.

Beta # 2

Ok...today was a big day! I was sick with nerves all morning and was dreading the call about the second beta. I was hoping for a number around 5000'ish (since doubling every two days would have brought me to 5018 at 21tp3dt. I was super happy to find out that this beta was...5870...so all is good in beta land! (And the clinic is also really pleased with the number!)

One more beta in one weeks time and then if all is still well...the first ultrasound the following Monday!

Beta #1

First Beta: 418 - they said they were very happy with that number and it was a good strong positive for 14dp3dt. I'm pleased with the number, but my next beta wont be for another week. I'm a little bummed about this...I wish I could see the numbers doubling so I could be reassured that everything was moving along. A whole week...I don't know how I'll survive...especially with the cramping...I'm going to be on edge all week.

Ok...so I guess I'll have nothing to post for another week, although I'm sure I'll keep POAS if only to keep me sane over the next 6 days.

The first part of the day is over

I stuck to my plan...went for my blood work, came home, POAS...and then was too nervous to even look at it. I was so positive that this cycle was a bust. I plucked up the courage...peeked at the pee-stick...and POW...it was a big frakin POSITIVE!!! I seriously couldn't believe it and still can't really believe it. DH is really happy and we told both of our parents that at least the pee-stick was a positive. I'll get the beta results back at 2pm - so hopefully the numbers will be ok. But right now I am ecstatic that my pee-stick came back positive. This is my first positive pregnancy test (which I was thinking might not ever happen) and I am just thrilled we make it this far. After we got the initial shock that there were so many issues with just initial fertilization I was worried that the 2 embryos might not continue to divide pass the 3 day mark, never mind implant.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get some more good news this afternoon, and that the next few weeks continue to go well.

For your viewing pleasure...

Last day

This is the last day/the last post before tomorrow's beta. I still have not POAS (I don't know how I've managed that...but I did)...technically I could now...since enough time has passed...but I wont because I'm going to stick to my plan.

The 2ww went by fairly smoothly and quickly - I'm not sure I want it to end though. I think I prefer living in ignorant bliss, not knowing if it worked or not. I have no idea if it did or didn't work. I started cramping last Monday, which made me think AF was going to come...but its been 7 days of on again / off again cramping and no sign of AF...not even any spotting or coloured discharge. The cramping seems to be worse in the evenings and during the night...some times strong enough to wake me up. More then once I've thought AF had reared her ugliness and I've run to the bathroom to check, but nothing!

Of course I've googled every thing to do with cramping during the 2ww and have read countless stories of women who experienced similar cramping only to end up pregnant. Yet I've also read probably as many stories where women cramped and didn't end up pregnant. So, I guess the only real truth can be known tomorrow...I'm dreading it! I feel doomed to failure, but at the same time I keep thinking my luck has to change some time...since we've already had so much crap news...maybe good news is on the horizon. I don't know...I think until I have a baby in my arms I will only know failure and not be able to except the possibility of success (in regards to my fertility...or lack there of it)!

As of now I plan on sticking with my original plan. Go first thing tomorrow morning for the beta, come home, POAS and face reality - whatever it may be this cycle. I don't think I can be too upset if it didn't work, but I know I'll be ecstatic if it did work. So here's to hoping for a positive pee-stick and beta, one more evening of ignorant bliss, hopefully a good nights sleep and the strength to get through the next few days!

Mabybe...Maybe NOT

I don't know why...maybe its the cramps...or maybe its just a feeling...but if I was a betting person...I'd put money down on this cycle as a failed one. I just have a feeling today that it didn't work. I can't explain why...I just feel like it didn't work. I would love to be wrong but I have a feeling that the verdict on Monday...is going to be a big fat negative.

I guess I wont know until Monday...since I am refusing to POAS. I know it sounds negative...but today...this is just how I feel. If it is a negative on Monday...I think the most annoying part is going to be explaining it to our parents/siblings...no matter how many times we/I try to tell them that this is NOT a sure thing...they don't seem to get it. They just assume that it will work for sure...if 2 embryos are in there - then why wouldn't I be pregnant. Ahhh...I can't stand trying to explain to them...over and over again. My mother in-law called again today for an update...I get that she is excited...but geeezzz...there is nothing to update!

Ok...waiting hasn't been 'that' bad...

I thought the 2ww was going to be torture, especially knowing that there were two (at least three day) embryos in the ute this time. But surprisingly it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated it might be. Time as been moving along...I've been keeping myself busy...party planning, shopping and gardening (but a more laid back kind of gardening since I was advised to 'take it easy'.)

Today is 10dp3dt, my clinic doesn't run a first beta until 15days. So I still have 5 more to go and I am refusing to POAS! The clinic advised against it...but there is a very specific reason why I have been avoiding POAS. I am hosting a baby shower for my 'way too fertile' friend this Saturday. I don't want to have my own baby hopes crushed...and then have to host a baby shower! Everyone expected me to throw the shower, since I am the party planner...and when I agreed to it back in November...I had NO idea our fertility problems were going to be so complex...we still thought our only issue was the PCOS...and were told that clomid/timed intercourse should result in a baby.

Oh well...I've totally enjoyed planning the party...and its kept my mind off of the 2ww! And seriously who would have ever thought that the party would end up falling only a mere few days before my first IVF beta...heck...I sure didn't...I thought I would for sure be pregnant by now!

So the only real update I have is... I am refusing to POAS...which is sorta killing me! (I think I am close to kicking the habit though...I did it so much over the last 18 months...I think there are only so many negative results one can read before they can't take it any more!) I am still having various symptoms though...but its hard to tell if they are drug induced or pregnancy induced. My boobs are killing me...trying to sleep has been hard because my boobs hurt so much, its like an achy/ tingly hurt that is present all the time...not just to touch. And I have been having cramps for at least 3 days, they feel like AF cramps...but no sign of AF or even any spotting. I have a few theories about the cramps...I have read many blogs where women have totally thought their IVF cycle was a bust because they were sure AF was coming but but never shows and they end up pregnant. So...I am taking the cramps as a good sign for two main reasons: 1.) Af hasn't started 2.) I have really long cycles...and it would be out of character to have AF cramps this early.

I'm not saying I think I am pregnant because at this point I still feels like its fifty-fifty! I haven't given up hope...but I am still being cautiously optimistic. I think of it like this...say I have a 30% chance of success this first round of IVM...if the weather report says sunny with clouds and a 30% chance of precipitation...everyone assumes...its not going to rain for sure...because its only a 30% chance. So...I can't get too excited...I feel like the odds are still against me in some way...because I know for sure I wouldn't bring my umbrella for only a 30% chance of rain...so I'm definitely not going to go out and start buying baby gear!

Whatever the outcome of this cycle...I'll survive...and I'll try again...and again...until I get the prize. For now I have 5 more days to go until I know for sure...my plan is to go in first thing Monday morning...have my blood drawn. Come home...and then POAS...that way if I do get a BFP-it will be confirmed later that day with the beta results. And if its a BFN...I can lessen the blow...get out my frustration before the clinic calls with unpleasant news.

Waiting

I'm sitting here waiting...waiting for either good news or bad news and I still have 8 more days to wait.

If the emmies were going to stop dividing and not make it any further (at this point) they will have already stopped. There are so many things that could have already gone wrong. Since the other embryos that didn't make it were such poor quality...I still worry that the two they transferred will end up sharing the same poor quality fate.

Or maybe...the two they transferred are still kickin it in the ute...and I'll get a big fat positive in 8 days. The wait is killing me though...knowing that both or one of the emmies could have made it...and having to wait to know...bahhh...ohwell! Patience has never been a strong point for me.

The embryos are in...

Too tired to write a long post tonight but everything seems to have gone well today. The embryos were both 8 cells this morning...right where they were supposed to be. Resting...and sleeping.

Today was slightly brighter.

We got our next call from the embryologist this morning...we prepared ourselves for the worst after talking before bed last night. We knew the chances of our remaining two 'some-what' normal looking embryos of continuing to divide were slim and whatever news we received...we would just deal with it and move on.

When the phone rang this morning I was still half asleep. We pulled ourselves together and picked it up...and to our surprise...the embryologist told us our two remaining embryos had dived and were looking good. We couldn't believe it! She said they were surprised as well...but they look good and will be transferred tomorrow morning at 7:30am...as long as they are still fine at transfer time.

So...to our amazement we still have two 4 cell B-grade embryos. When I asked about the difference between an A or B grade the embryologist explained that the A-grade has no fragmentation of the cells, B has few fragments...and the grading continues to C,D and E-grades...the lower the grade equals more fragmentation of the cells and the less likely hood of implantation. She said that the pregnancy rates between A and B grade embryos are almost exactly the same...so that is also good news.

OK...we have something good to look forward to this cycle. Despite this cycle not turning out quite as we expected it to...it looks like we will have two embryos to transfer tomorrow...and all we can do know is sit back and wait.

I'll update tomorrow after the transfer...I don't plan on doing much of anything for a few days...just sitting around and hoping the little 'emmies' settle in for the long haul!

Today just sucked.

We waited all morning for the embryologist to call us with the embryo/fertilization report. She called at 11 - a couple of hours later then she said she would but I kind of wished she had never called at all...ever! I thought I prepared myself for any worse case scenario...no fertilization...very few matured eggs or no matured eggs...but not for what we found out.

Turns out 8 of my 9 eggs matured...which was great news...then they were fertilized with ICSI. So technically we/our RE were expecting little to no problems with the initial process of fertilization...of course there may have been issues with embryos continuing to divide but not with just fertilizing. As of 11am today we did have 2 'normally fertilized' embryos, 4 'abnormally fertilized' and 2 that did nothing at all...which was VERY unexpected...especially since we used ICSI. It appears as if there is an issue with either our eggs or sperm...there is a genetic mutation that is screwing things up and we wont know any more details then that...since a genetic specialist would have to look into it...and apparently that would be like $10,000.00!

I am pissed...I just can't believe we have been hit with infertility X 3...female factor, male factor and now genetic factor...whoot whoot...man my husband and I are real winners! I am so mad right now.

Our next steps will have to be determined after our 'case' is reviewed. But we will see what is happening with our 2 fertilized embryos tomorrow...the embryologist said not to get our hopes up but since the other 6 were so fucked up (paraphrasing here) we shouldn't have high hopes for the two that seemed to have started to divide. At this point if they don't survive/take...we will have to start a process of elimination...either try this way again, attempt with donor sperm to confirm male genetic factor and if that doesn't work then I guess try ovum donation to confirm female genetic factor...I just don't know...this whole thing just got a lot messier.

I don't know what I am feeling right now...I have a lot more to say about this but I'll post again tomorrow after I hear more news.

Home from egg retrieval

I'm back...crampy and unsure of how I feel. Everything went well with the retrieval...I let a few tears slide on the OR table but the last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying something about the courage of a lion and wiping my escaped tears away...next thing I knew I was waking up in another bed in recovery.

I was surprised to hear what the embryologist had to tell us before we left - which is also why I don't feel ecstatic about this mornings retrieval. Two days ago they counted at lest 14 follies measuring around 14mm - I was under the impression that at least 14 could have been retrieved and possibly more smaller ones since this is an IVM cycle not IVF. There was also the possibility of retrieving already mature eggs - but they were mainly expecting immature eggs since we are doing IVM.

What was actually retrieved today were 9 eggs all immature. Now its not that I am unhappy with this because 9 eggs are still better then no eggs...its just I was expecting more and there was no explanation as to why we only ended up with 9. Maybe its just the way things are.

What is most annoying to me is my husbands reaction - he thinks I should be perfectly happy with 9 eggs and he doesn't see why it upsets me. First off this is IVM not IVF, which means my eggs have 24 hours to mature and usually only 70-80% mature. So lets say 7 make it to fertilization, we are using ICSI, so all 'should' fertilize. Then the remaining embryos need to continue to divide for 2 additional days before transfer. Hopefully all (say) 7 make it and two embryos are transferred. Which means we would have 5 left to freeze, but they need 2 additional days to make it to the blastocyct freeze stage and it is very unlikely that all of the remaining embryos will survive until the freeze stage. So I'm 'guessing' our best case scenario ends up leaving us with 1 or 2 embryos to freeze, which also means that if they don't take the first time I will probably end up having to go through this all over again.

I guess I was just hoping for a higher amount of eggs retrieved, so that if it doesn't work the first time there would be a greater chance of having more frozen embryos so I could avoid the whole retrieval process again. Errrr...I really just think its my husbands attitude that makes me the most upset/annoyed...its fine for him to think of ONLY the positive...all he'll have to do is jerk off into cup if we end up needing to go through this again.

I'm trying to stay positive - this cycle is what it is! I can't change what has already happened and I don't really have any control over what will or might happen. I plan on just taking it day by day the next couple of weeks. I wont have anymore news until Saturday, so until then I'll just be waiting.

Night before retrieval

OK...well its the night before my retrieval...and my stomach is turning a little from nerves. I'm trying to concentrate on the last American Idol ...but my mind is all over the place. My appetite has disappeared since the HCG shot last night...I have felt nauseous and a little light headed all day. Oh well...in 12 hours this will all be over and we will be moving on to the next steps.

I just checked a blog I follow...I was hoping for some good news...she got her beta results back today...but unfortunately it was a BFN after an IVF cycle...that totally sucks...fuck...why does this have to be so difficult for some of us!

Update

Everything is still a go...here in my little IVM world! I have been to the clinic daily since Friday - they have been monitoring my follies and blood work. They were a little concerned on Saturday that one follicle was a little too big and that I might surge on my own. So they gave me a shot to suppress any possible LH surge and by this mornings ultrasound it appears as if many of the smaller follicles have caught up to the one big one. They said they would schedule the retrieval once two follicle reached 14mm...well...today I had around 20 at the 14mm size...and many (I'm told too many to count) smaller ones!

I'm excited and a little shocked that everything seems to be moving along...the last week has been emotional and stressful as I have been constantly on edge and worrying that they might cancel the cycle. I take my HCG injection tonight at 7:30, tomorrow is a day off from blood and ultrasounds and Thursday morning at 9:30 I have my ovum retrieval. It still doesn't seem real!

Good news again...?

It seems so unusual to keep getting good news from our fertility doctors. I'm just so used to constantly receiving bad news or receiving good news only to be promptly followed by unpleasant news (ie. clomid worked...expect to get preggo in the normal/average three month time frame...two days later...wait...the SA came back and your gonna need in vitro if you ever want to get knocked up). So naturally I prepared myself for the worst for this mornings appointment...I fully expected them to cancel treatment and tell me we were going to have to wait until September. To my surprise everything looked great and we are moving ahead with the IVM this month.

The ultrasound showed at least 10 follies between 5-9mm and 15+ little follies - which the doctor said was great. I had my first injection by the nurse before we left and DH will give me the next ones over the next few days. I'm back to the clinic on Sunday for more blood/ultrasound...but surprisingly...so far so good! My fingers will be crossed until retrieval day and then there will be the next things to worry about...how many good embryos we will get...and the the dreaded two week wait! It should be an interesting few weeks.

Where we are...

I haven't posted anything in ages...reason being...I have had nothing positive to write and it was becoming too depressing! I was supposed to start the IVM in April...but my cycle never started. We still don't know if it was stress or if I just didn't ovulate on the 50mg of clomid. I waited 10 days to see if AF would start on its own and when it didn't I called my doctor to see what our next steps would be. I was fully expecting him to say that this cycle is canceled and we would have to wait until I am regular again and until the next clinic rounds of IVM (which don't happen until Sept).

To my surprise he had me start 10 days of prometrium to induce a bleed...if AF started before the prometrium was completed they would be able to do the IVM this cycle and if I needed to take the full 10 days of the prometrium...they would have to wait until the next round of IVM...something to do with not being able to do the treatment after a withdrawl bleed.

Once again...I fully expected to have my body let me down...but only 6 days into the prometrium...AF started. I called in my cycle day 1 to our clinic and booked our cd3 ultrasound and blood work. I went yesterday for the cd3 ultrasound...they were going to be counting my follicles and making sure I had enough to begin the IVM treatment. This was going to be the decision day...the yes or no...I was so stressed about it.

During the ultrasound both the doctor and the IVM director were in the room with me. The doctor was counting the number of follies...and the director says..."oh wait...is that a cyst!" I was instantly in a panic...because I knew a cyst would mean a cancelled cycle for sure...but again to my surprise... the doctor said..."nope it doesn't look like a cyst to me". The director said at least three times "are you sure...I think its a cyst."...and more than three times the doctors reply was "its fine...it is not a cyst"! Right after the ultrasound was finished I was told everything looked good and we would be going thru with the IVM this cycle...however...the director added..."but we will be keeping a close look on that bigger follicle"...so all though it was good news...we still have to be cautiously optimistic...because just like any IVF cycle...they could pull the plug at any point during the cycle...if things aren't progressing as they should.

But we paid our fees yesterday...so we are now over $6000.00 poorer...which kindda makes this whole process seem more real! We go back on Friday for our cd6 ultrasound/blood and as long as everything still looks good...I will start my injections cd6 thru to cd8 or 9. Beginning cd6 I will also have daily blood drawn to monitor my levels and to determine when they will do the retrieval.

So...the possible treatment out line should look something like this...give or take a few days after the injections and before the retrieval:

• CD1 call in and book ultrasound (Sunday May 10)
• CD3 ultrasound/blood (Tuesday May 12)
• CD6 ultrasound/blood and start injections (Friday May 15)
• CD7 Injections/blood (Saturday May 16)
  
• CD8 same (Sunday May 17)
  
• CD9 determine from blood/ultrasound if I need one more day of injections (Mon May 18)
  
• Between CD10-13 HCG injection and egg retrieval (Tues May 19 - Thurs May 21)
  
• Egg retrieval day - eggs are matured for 24 hours (Thurs May 21)
  
• 1 day post retrieval - eggs are fertilized with ICSI (Fri May 22)
  
• 4th day post retrieval - embryo transfer (Mon May 25)
  
• 2WW (Over June 8th)
  

Ahhh...I can't tell if I'm excited or terrified! I don't want another let down...but I am excited...I just don't want to get too excited...just in case!

I can't beleive this....

We came so close...but again my body has to screw things up! We were supposed to have our IVM this cycle...every thing was all set and ready to go...all I needed to do was call on cycle day 1 and every thing would have been a go! But cycle day 1 never arrived! I was expecting AF to show up around April 15th...which makes me about 5 days late! I've had slight cramping for the last few days...but nothing...not even spotting. I've tried jogging around...excersising...vigirous sex...everything that usually starts my period early...but no luck!

There was still the slight chance I could have conceived this month...but I tested this morning and it was a big old negative! I'm already 19-20 dpo...so if I was going to get a positive result...it most likely would have showed up by now! The more likely reason this has happened is I didn't actually ovulate this cycle...I ovulated twice on the 50mg of clomid...both times I had progesterone levels between 90-105...so there shouldn't have been any reason not to ovulate!

This complicates everything! I was laid off last month and we decided I wouldn't apply for new jobs since I was having the IVM this cycle...but I may have wasted over a month of NOT looking for work / working...since the next steps are going to take months! The clinic only does the IVM treatment in rounds every 2 to 3 months...so we have to wait until they are doing a round of treatment...if AF doesn't show by like tomorrow...(fat chance of that)...theoretically - they would put me on 2 months of birth control to regulate me. But...if they aren't doing IVM the month I am done the birth control...I will have to wait until the next round...so that could be as long as 4 months from now!

I tried calling the clinic today...but for some strange reason...no one was picking up! I will need to talk to the doctor to sort out what we are going to be doing next...but I seriously can't believe this is happening now! This is also taking a toll on DH and my relationship...we just weren't expecting this and don't know how to react...there is too much uncertainty and we need to sort out our infertility treatments and personal life.

Bahhh...I am so mad right now I don't even now how to react...I have kept going on a big self prescribed dose of denial for the last 5 days...unfortunately reality is going to have to sink in sooner rather then later!

Catch up...

We went for our IVM orientation last Friday. It was informative and very positive - yet still seemed a little unorganized. They couldn't find our chart...this has happened once before...but luckly they were able to call down stairs to the lab and get a copy of our blood work and follicle scan (they also assured me they would locate my chart... :p)! After the orientation the clinic director instructed me that I should call in at the beginning of my May cycle to begin the IVM process...I was a little shocked sinceI was sure we were told we would be starting in April...and I know my chart (which they couldn't locate) definitely said 'to start IVM cycle day 1 in April'. The clinic director didn't even bother fighting me on that detail and just agreed that we would/could start my next cycle - whoot!

For IVM you need to have a cd3 follicle count of at least 20 follies (which most true PCO patients all have)...I had 40+ follies which is more than ideal for the procedure. So on cd 1...which will hopefully arrive around April 14th...I call and book my cd 3 blood work and ultrasound. Due to my lack of ovulation without clomid I still get worried even after a clomid cycle that I may not have ovulated, which would totally mess things up. Anyways... cd 6 another ultrasound/blood work and I will start the low dose gonadotropins to stimulate my ovaries for three days. Cd 8 - third ultrasound/blood to monitor growth of follicles and from this point on I will have daily blood/ultrasounds until I am ready for egg retrieval (usually between cd 10-14). On the day of the egg retrieval...DH will give a sample in case we have already matured eggs to be fertilized...since we are doing invitro maturation, when my eggs are retrieved most of them will not be ready for fertilization for 24h...once retrieved they will be put into a maturation liquid to continue to mature. Since I had 40+ follicles they think they will probably be able to retrieve between 20-35 eggs...maybe 20-25 will mature ( not all retrieved eggs will mature)...and since we are using ICSI...all eggs that mature will be fertilized. 4 days after the egg retrieval...I go in for the embryo transfer...and then its the 2ww. It all seems soooo crazy but exciting.

We will have remaining embryos...we plan on culturing them for 2 more days ... until they are blastocysts...and then freezing them for future attempts. There is just so much to research I still want to do...especially concerning the freezing of embryos.

Well that is everything I have to update...I'm just waiting for cd 1 and then I will have some serious news to report next cycle.

We are doing IVM

We went to our IUI orientation yesterday, waste of time! It was like a grade 7 sexual education class. I laughed a few times because it was so basic...I'm talking diagrams of the penis and vagina, the nurse even had a laser pointer...to point out exactly how babies are made. Yikes

Good news...we were able to sort out exactly what is going on with the IVM yesterday, and we found out we will be doing our first round of IVM next cycle. We will know more details after next weeks one on one IVM orientation - hopefully it will be a little less basic then the last orientation.

We finally have something to get excited about.

Random Updates

This no working thing is totally throwing off my blogging...I've had zero time to just hang out with my computer the last few days...but I'm not complaining! The weather was amazing over the weekend and DH and I went hiking Saturday and Sunday.

Friday afternoon I went for my follicle count...the trans-vaginal ultra sound (which I have had a few times before) was a bitch...since it was done on Cycle day 3...I was having a really heavy flow and that damn wand was not helping...but I survived. The technician wouldn't tell me anything...but I'm hoping for anything over 20...which is optimal for the IVM treatment. Maybe I can get someone to tell me tomorrow.

We go to IVF Canada tomorrow for our IUI orientation, I'm planning on booking my IVM orientation then and hopefully I'll be able to speak to someone in person about IVM treatments and the information package they gave us. I'm still really excited about the "big" possibility that we will get to do the IVM very soon...especially since we are 1 of the 20 couples in the pilot program. Although, I am so used to going month after month and NOT getting pregnant...that when it happens I wont believe that its true!

I'm so happy...

I got a phone call today from my fertility doctor...yes the same one who upset me and treated me poorly on Tuesday! For a change he was calling to deliver good news (well I think its good news)! So, when he saw us on Tuesday he said we were going to be moving onto IUI - I figured that that was the consensus among his other colleagues at IVF Canada and the decision was final. Turns out that he hadn't actually spoken with his colleagues and just made the decision by reviewing the SFA himself...probably right before he saw us.

Anyways...he was taking with the director of the clinic this morning and she brought up 'our' case...he told her that he had recommended 3xIUI and then we would decide if we move onto IVF. She totally disagreed with him and wants us to move onto IVM, which I'm a perfect candidate for! Our doctor talked to me on the phone and then went and got the director and had her talk to us. She explained that DH's sperm...in addition to the low count had a low morphology...specifically there were a large number with deformed heads. She explained that the bad morphology would decrease our chances of conception with IUI due to issues with the sperm not being able to penetrate the eggs. She believes we would be wasting our time by solely doing the IUI's.

So...IVM is our next step! I didn't even know what it was (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/522444_print), apparently PCOS patients are the perfect candidates for it because they already have many immature follicles...this is the first time I've been happy about something to do with my PSOvaries! They make me one of the 12% of people who can partake in this treatment for infertility...whoot for good infertility news! Basically it is like an IVF cycle without the horrible IVF drugs, they just aspirate the immature follicles and mature them outside of the body...then use ICSI...inject a single spermie into each matured egg and create embryos...very simplified explanation! And each round only costs $3000.00, which is a great deal cheaper then the $10,000.00 IVF treatments. IVF Canada is the only fertility clinic in Ontario doing this procedure right now, and they are still in trial runs. However, they have been having great success with it - the director said they were getting 46% pregnancy rate/cycle...which is great news! Downside is - since they are only in the early stages of practicing this procedure they are only doing it in rounds every three months. So, hopefully we get in for the next round...but we will still be trying with IUI in between IVM cycles.

I go tomorrow morning for a follicle scan and blood work...ideally I need more then 20 immature follicles...so here's to hoping for lots of little follies...come on PCOS...I hope you've been in over-drive! I am so excited...this is great news for me...I'm am so grateful that our case caught the clinic directors eye...because if I had of found this information out after 3 failed cycles...I may not have been as happy about this great news!

CYCLE DAY 1

Its almost funny! I just put up my last post...saying AF still wasn't here...and then BAM...30 mins later...I feel a little wet...take a look...and she's arrived! I've gotta say...she's a real bitch...giving me false hope...arriving late...and screwing up my baby plans.

Decision disaster...

We had our fertility appointment today, the final one before IFV Canada decided for us whether or not we move to IUI or IVF. Our appointment was 1.45 hours late, which was killing me! Not to mention there were like 5 pregnant women in the waiting room...which was driving me crazy. One of these girls looked like she was maybe 18...with her gangsta boyfriend who kept complaining about the wait...she gets a baby and I don't! Errrr!

Anyways, we confirmed that I did ovulate again with a progesterone level of 98, so most likely at least two eggs again. The SFA came back...with little to no change. There were so many numbers and variables I didn't even bother writing them down, especially since it wont make a bit of difference if I know the exact numbers. Our doctor said we would be moving onto the IUI, however, due to another screw up on his part...we will once again miss my next cycle.

They wont do the IUI until my HIV /other blood tests come back, which takes three to four weeks. When I asked him why he didn't do the tests 6 months ago when we started seeing him, he said he just assumed I had already had the tests! F-him! He even told my husband a month ago that I was going to need the tests, but when I called and asked him about it he had no idea what I was talking about and said we would talk about any further testing at the next appointment! Anywhoo...during our appointment today all of my frustration must have started to show...because my asshole doctor said in a very condescending tone...you need to relax (one of the things you don't tell an infertile)...it wasn't a caring tone it was condescending and nasty. He said I needed to stop being upset about this stuff and get on with it...after he said this...I let a tear slide...and my doctor jumped on me and basically said I was being rediculous for being upset. I tried to defend myself by asking him why he thought I didn't have the right to be upset...and he said something about this is nothing to do with rights that I was just over reacting. OK...what really pisses me off is...I wasn't even crying...no hysterics...no sobbing...not even a snotting nose...just a few stray tears of emotion...and I was totally attacked. Apparently I was/am supposed to be a ROBOT and not have any emotion. Even longer story short...he threatened me with psychiatric evaluation...he was pretty much threatening to stop treatment...all because I let a few tears of frustration and emotion go. I HATE him...errr....so I basically sucked it up and did the whole "Yes..sure...whatever...yep...I'm over reacting...oh..yes...is that what you wanted to here"...stick.

We go for the IUI orientation next Wednesday at 1pm, and then we wait for my blood work to come back. After that we just wait for my next cycle... pay them $650.00 and see what happens. Can't say I'm excited...just annoyed that we wont know if the IUI might even work until at least May 8th...errr....I don't even want to think about it.

Other unusual fertility news...I'm 16 dpo...no AF...and no AF cramps and BFN this AM...weird. If I don't get AF before Thursday...I'm going for a blood test. But now that I've written it down...I'm sure I'll get AF in the night.

Blogging from home...

Well I am now blogging from home...on Mondays...and well...everyday of the week...for now! Friday afternoon, at 4:00pm, I was laid off. Not really surprising, the terrible economy has put our company in shambles and for the last month and a half they have been letting go of two to three people every Friday afternoon. We have had ZERO sales since the new year...and there has been nothing really for anyone to do for months. My last work friend was also let go on Friday, so if they had of kept me on...it would have been unbearable in that office without my last comrade.

Anyways...the short story is...I hated where I worked...so it is a blessing in disguise. My husband is really happy I'm not working there anymore, mostly because I complained about it day and night for over a year. However, starting a new job somewhere is going to be difficult right now if I'm going to need time off for fertility appointments. Our plan is to see what happens tomorrow at the decision appointment...and then decide if I will go back to work right away or not. My husband thinks I should stay home for awhile, I'm conflicted because there are always so many projects I want to get done and if we go to IVF the extra cash will defiantly be needed. I should have a better feeling about it tomorrow after our appointment.

Fertility wise - I'm 15dpo, no AF yet, but AF-like cramps. Tested yesterday and got BFN, decided not to test today...if I don't get AF by tomorrow morning I'll test again. But I'm doubtful!

At least its Friday!

12 dpo - BFN, I've slightly given up hope for this cycle...it just feels too much like a regular AF cycle. I should know by Monday...two more days of testing...and praying for a miracle.

Again

11 dpo - another BFN. I can't say I'm surprised by this, but man am I fed up with BFN results. I guess that's what you get for starting to test so early.


I'm back to my count downs:

1. 1 more day till the weekend


2. 3 more days until I should now for sure if this cycle's end result will be either a BFN or BFP, also know as AF
   
3. 5 more days until our next fertility appointment
   

I was going to say 8 more days till my next round of clomid (if BFN)...but our fertility appointment might change that...so the furthest I can plan for now is until Tuesday...hmmm! This is annoying for me...I like to be in control and know whats happening.

On a happy note...another blog that I follow http://babydanser.blogspot.com/ just announced the best news yesterday...she is having twins! Such happy news...and it gives me hope! I used to be terrified about having twins...and being on the clomid only worried me more since it increases your chance for twins. But lately I've been thinking that twins might not be that bad...two at once...might take the pressure off of "needing" to have another. I don't know...I guess all I'm saying is I wouldn't be 'as' worried now if I found out I was having twins.

Nope

It was another BFN this morning! I'm trying to stay optimistic...its still only 10 dpo...and if I had of stuck with my original plan I still wouldn't have even tested yet for another 2 days! I should have waited!

Even if this cycle is another bust...our next fertility appointment is in 6 days. We will be able to start with either the IVF or move onto the IUI. At this point I'm really hoping we just move on to IVF, I just want some progress and to have some success. If his count is still low...I have little faith in the IUI. We have been seeing our fertility specialist for 7 months now and I still feel like we are exactly where we were 6 months ago after one month with our specialist. I was diagnosed within a month and we found out there was a low sperm count in December...two full months have passed and NO progress has been made...its just so frustrating!

And I hate our doctor - this is something I haven't really mentioned on here. There is just too many things to list why I don't like him! But the short of it all is...if I had to choose again I would choose some one who showed some concern and more compassion for their patients. I would switch now...but I just don't want to waste anymore time. As I said...too many negatives surrounding my feelings towards our doctor...I don't even want to get into this this morning...maybe I'll vent on a day when I really need to complain!

Anyways...guess I'll test and post tomorrow!

It was only in my head...

Yesterday I thought there 'may' have been a faint line on the HPT, it was all I could do not to test when I got home from work. But I held out and waited for this morning. I even woke up at 4 to pee...and decided not to go...because I wanted concentrated urine when I tested before work.

Anyways...its confirmed...my mind was planning a cruel trick on me! There wasn't even a trace of a line this AM. I knew it had to be too good to be true. I'm only 9dpo now...so I'm sure its still early to detect anything anyways!

But I'm deep in my vicious cycle of testing now...so it will be a daily update of 'yea or neah'!!!

Ahhhh....

Ok...I'll admit it...I'm an HPT JUNKIE!!! I can't help it...I stock up and test almost daily near the end of my 2ww! I'm also an OPK junkie...2 days after I finish the clomid...I test twice daily until I get my LH surge or AF shows! I can't help it...and if I don't pee on something for a few days it drives me crazy...like something from my daily routine is missing!

I had my blood work done today at lunch to confirm if I ovulated. I went home to grab a bite to eat and on my way out the door I decided to go back up stairs, pee on a stick, just to see if something would appear. I was late back to lunch so I brought the test with me in the car. I kept glancing at it on the drive back to work and it looked like a definite negative. In the parking lot at work I closely inspected the stick...and I swear there was a faint line...but I'm also pretty sure I was imagining a 'faint-line'...I mean very faint! I'm only 8dpo so the chances of anything showing are slim to NONE...and I'm going to have to accept that my eyes and brain are playing cruel tricks on me...not fair!

I just pulled the test out of my purse and checked it again...impossible to tell now...the dye in the test has bled funny and smudged the test and control line...like I already said - I'll just have to accept that I am now imagining fake positives.

Back to my blood work...man...the girl who draws my blood...is the most incompetent lab tech alive! She is soooo bad at it! She usually jabs the needle in...misses...jabs again...puts the collection tube on and realizes she has still missed...and then just moves the needle around in my arm until she hits some thing that produces more of a trickle rather than a flow of blood! I keep going back because there is no wait and the clinic is just down the street from our house. When I go to the (what I call) "good lab" - there is never any problem drawing my blood but I usually have to wait at least an hour. Bah...I always look like a 'real' junkie when I'm done having my blood taken...with numerous stab wounds and bruising!

OK...I guess I'll have to do an HPT in the morning now...it will drive me nuts if I don't. I wasn't planning on starting to test till Thursday...but I caved today and have started my obsessive testing cycle early!

6 Days left...

Yesterday was an unusual day. We went with our pregnant friends to another couple's place (they already have an 18 month old). I was really dreading going, I didn't want to feel like the big elephant in the room - the one infertile that still doesn't have a baby or even a pregnancy. Turns out it wasn't 'as' bad as I thought it might be.
Our friends who already have a son are going through a really hard financial and medical time. She was just laid off and he is been having some very serious 'unexplained' medical issues. Their situation brought me back to reality a little more, it made me realize that our infertility situation is not the end of the world and that things could be much worse.
I deal with my other pregnant friends numerous days a week, dealing with her wasn't an issue. However, as the evening went on my two friends went through piles of baby gear. It was difficult to see all the cute little outfits, knowing that it might take years for me to have a baby to put in those outfits, while my preggo friend will have her bundle of joy in only a few short months.
All in all, the evening went much better then I expected. Blood work tomorrow, and only 6 more days still testing...or the arrival of AF.

2WW

Five days down only nine more to go! I hate the 2ww...I hate it even more when I am pretty sure that there is nothing to wait for...other than another cycle. Anyways, I will be happy for the 2ww to be over since our "decision appointment" is also right after the dreaded 2ww.

I can't wait to see what our next steps are going to be. Are we going to be thrown into IVF? or are we going to try the IUI? I think if we are told IUI is the next step for us I am going to have to sit down with DH and set a limit to how many IUI's we will do before trying IVF. I think the max amount of IUI cycles I will try for is 4, if nothing happens within 4 cycles I think I will be back to fixating on our fertility failure. When I go over possible future fertility scenarios in my head, I always wonder how much I (personally) will be able to take before I really crack. I stress that fact "REALLY CRACK" because after over a year of fertility disappointment I know I have already cracked. I am not the same person I was before we started TTC, I would defiantly classify myself as emotionally and physically damaged. Month after month with no TTC success has really taken a tole on me, as I am sure it has with every other fellow infertile. I just wonder what is my breaking point? When do I just say enough is enough, and either take a break from TTC or give up entirely. I know I am only a year into this and there are many women who have spent year after year TTC, but I still wonder when I'll hit my breaking point.

Last night I just could not sleep, I was dreaming about my best friends baby. Just images of her and the baby (which we just found out is going to be a boy), anyways, I woke up and realized I never have dreams about myself having my own babies. I just don't think I can even imagine it anymore, it just seems so unlikely or at least so far off that I don't think I can even visualize it anymore. I still hope to prove myself wrong, but only time will tell.

hmmm

Well...DH just left for RI until Friday...I wanted to make sure we got one more shot with this cycle...so I set the alarm for REALLY EARLY sex. What a disaster...we were both way too tired, but I was determined to make it work.
Unfortunately when I take the clomid sex during ovulation is really painful, DH just doesn't get it! (Sorry in advance for all the upcoming TMI) I can hardly let him get in the pain is so bad, but about two days after ovulation everything is back to normal. I've been using Instead Soft Cups to push the "stuff" up further and keep it near my cervix for a couple hours afterwards. The cups have been working pretty well, DH wont just put his "stuff" into the cups he insists we have sex and then I insert the cup to keep it all in place. However, this morning was a disaster. I was in pain (which I know is a turn off for DH) but I was at least trying to fake that I was into it. Then when I was trying to put the damn cup in I lost at least half the "stuff"...so annoying! I really can't wait for this baby making stuff to be done with. At least I am completely tracking my ovulation now...so we can have 'normal / fun' sex when I know there is no chances of conceiving! I gotta say...it was not a very nice "good-bye" morning...in fact it was a terrible way to part for the next 5 days!
All I can do now... is sit back and wait through the dreaded 2ww!

O-ing NOW

We had our Oscar Party last night, which was great. I was in pain all evening...but kept trying to put it out of my mind. Finally I did a OPK at 1 AM, when my guests had all gone home / gone to bed...and it was a HUGE +!!! The last time I O'ed on the 50 mg/Clomid I had crazy ovulation pain too, it was so bad I had to leave dinner at the restaurant and roll up in a ball back at our hotel. This cycle was also exactly 9 days from Clomid to ovulation - same as my other successful clomid cycle.

I feel relieved now that I am like 95% positive I did O this cycle, since last cycle was a bust! It still sucks that DH's sperm might be too crappy to make use of this O, if is doesn't work this cycle we will hopefully be able to make better use of my next cycle with the IUI (if thats was our Dr. decides)! I did another OPK this AM, and my LH surge is definitely still present - I'm still feeling the ovarian pain too. We 'baby-danced' Friday night, Sunday night...and we'll have to try again Tuesday morning before DH goes to RI for work. We caught this O just in time, DH's work travel always worries me that might miss something.

So...I'm cycle day 20 and am officially, once again, in the 2ww! Sorry...I just had to put a pic in of my +OPK...getting a + when my PCOS ovaries work for me is the best news I've had in months!

Weekend Update

Our Valentines weekend was great! We had to make an early start with the Valentine's sex, as we were planning on DH giving a sample today (Tuesday). Saturday, DH took me shopping and we spent Sunday in Niagara, saw a show and spend some good quality time together. Yesterday we caught a movie and chilled at home for Family Day.

On Friday we were still debating if DH should go for the SA this week, since I just finished my Clomid and will be ovulating. I did some OPK's and there is a very faint line, but nowhere near dark enough to ovulate yet, so off he went to the fertility clinic. Hopefully I will ovulate between Thursday and Sunday - since we can't do anything till Thursday. I'm still twingy...so my ovaries are hopefully still working for me on the 50mg/Clomid.

I have little faith in conceiving this month, but will try all the same. I'm looking forward to learning whether or not we will be moving onto the IVF or IUI. It all depends how shitty DH's sperm are looking after this recent analysis. Everything for me seems to be a count down lately...counting down to conception, ovulation, cycle day 1, two-week-wait, test results...etc., I am currently counting down to ovulation, then the 2ww and finally the three week count down to our 'Next Steps'!!! I will be very happy when my life is not centered around producing a baby.

Twinge

OK...today was the last clomid pill...and I'm already super twingy in the ovarian area...please be my ovaries hard at work! I'm hoping for multiple eggs this month...come on...multiple births don't scare me...OK they do...but I'll take all the chances I can get!

SA and blood work confusion...

So, we've been waiting for DH's blood work to come back so he could schedule the next SA at the IVF clinic. I've been bugging DH to call since Friday to see if the blood work was in (he was instructed by our fertility Dr. to call his office for the results before we called IVF Canada).

Anyways, as usual if I leave things up to DH - they don't get done or at least they don't get done right! He finally called on Tuesday AM, spoke with the receptionist...who quite obviously blew him off...and said she would speak to the Dr. about the blood work. I was really on his case about this as we REALLY needed the SA done this week, since I'm O'ing next week and need all the swimmers I can get and since he is away the following week. I wanted to make sure everything was sorted out this cycle, so next cycle we would know whether we were moving onto the IUI or IVF.

Yesterday afternoon, we still hadn't heard anything...I called my mom at work (she works with our fertility specialist every Wednesday at the hospital). She ran it by our Dr., and he said they had had DH's blood in since last Thursday and already faxed the info to the IVF clinic. SO...either DH misheard and was supposed to keep checking with the IVF clinic or the Dr. just forgot to call us. Whichever the case...DH is still the one who screwed up, if he had of called last week and kept pestering the secretary (like I, the hormone crazed infertile does) we would have got the info needed and made the SA appointment. But that didn't happen...and the IVF clinic doesn't do the SA testing again till next Tuesday.

We have two options now...risk it and have him go for the SA on Tuesday in the hopes that I don't ovulate until Thursday or later. But that also means no sex all Valentines weekend...when we already have a mini-trip planned...and I might miss my O next week.

or

We frack it and forget about it until he can test next (Mar. 3), which means we'll most likely miss sorting this out and knowing about the IVF or IUI before my next O.

I'll have to play it by ear and see how I feel about it this weekend. Its just annoying me knowing we could have had it sorted out and done with this week. Its hard for me not to be mad a DH, since I believe that he is the reason this got screwed up, like I said in my last post...I wish there was a pill he could take to make him go through everything I have to endure...then maybe he would get why screw ups/mistakes like this upset me so much.

Crazy Week

Last week DH was in the hospital for 2 days for an abscess that was obstructing his airway - but is fine now after having it drained and some much needed rest.

Quick update:
-AF finally showed up Wednesday evening (after a call to the Dr. I guess it got scared into starting on its own)
-Started the Clomid Monday morning, I hate comid. My Dr, says there are no side affects from it but I beg to differ...I get the most terrible hot flashes day and night, pounding headaches that last for hours, and I get nauseous in the evenings.

I have to keep remembering that all the drugs I'm taking will eventually give me our baby - its the only way I can stay sane. I just wish there was a drug you could give your DH which made him experience the same symptoms as you, then maybe he would actually understand what your going through! All DH needs to go through and provide is a simple sample when requested.

We are still waiting on DH's blood work, once we get it he will go for the more detailed SA. After that they will either approve us for IVF or IUI. I am so tired of waiting. Hopefully I will ovulate on my own this month, which should help keep me on a more regular cycle. Next cycle, if we are moving onto IUI, I will will be able to combine the clomid and IUI right away. However, if we are going the IVF route - it will probably be a May IVF cycle. It takes so long, I just don't think I can handle anymore babies being born around me or even any news of others getting pregnant.

Its a combination of my frustrations and the clomid talking...anyways...2 more days of clomid (I'm already feeling pain in my ovaries...which I'm taking as a good sign...last time I hyper-ovulated on the 50 mg)...and only 9 more days till I know if I O'ed!

Dream this morning...

I almost forgot...I had a terrible dream this morning. It goes sorta as follows, details are starting to become fuzzy...

My preggo friend was the main character in this dream and the reason for my heartache. In my dream, preggo gave birth, but didn't call me for like two weeks. When I finally got there, it was as if everyone had already seen the new baby but me - my friend had to show me all the pictures with everyone we know and the baby. I tried asking her why she didn't tell me and she brushed it off. The baby was a girl, I asked her how long she knew it was a girl and she just said "we've know for weeks now", I was so sad that she hadn't shared the news with me since we talk all the time about it.

I reminded her about her up coming baby shower and she replied "I don't think I will be able to make it - the baby can't leave the house". This made me more upset because it is something else we talk about all the time. We have a friend who had her baby and stopped doing everything - its been over a year and a half and she still doesn't go anywhere or do anything. My preggo friend and I made a promise to each other that no matter what...babies or no babies we wont let our social lives come to a complete end when we do have our kids. I was so mad / upset that she was already turning into that other friend.

Just before I woke up, I told my friend that I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't' be around her or the baby any more, at least until I had my own baby.

This was more of a nightmare than a dream...I don't think it is a sign of actual events to come but I do think that it is a sign of my emotions and feeling regarding my friends pregnancy. I can't stand that she is pregnant right now and that I am not. I can't stand that she might actually have her baby before I even get pregnant. I hate that it was so easy for her and it is so difficult for me. Yet I don't want to loose her friendship, I can't wait for the day when I look back on trying to conceive and see it only as a distant memory.

Monday morning

I hate Monday mornings! I had a terrible sleep last night, DH is sick and snoring like crazy, and I had the most terrible "AF-like" cramps all night. The only thing that seemed to help was my heating pad...I rolled around and moaned all night in a half-sleep / half-awake daze! I totally expected that AF showed up in the night but my tampon was dry in the AM, nothing not even a spot - so very disappointing! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be praying for my period to come. I'm still having AF cramps, BAD ones, but only off and on this morning.

It is 5dp the prometrium, I've never made it this far without AF showing up. I called my Dr. this morning, told the secretary that I'm on cycle day 45, 10 post prometrium and still no AF. She said that the Dr. wasn't in till tomorrow and he'd call me then, but she thinks if it doesn't show up he will start me on another round of Prometrium. Something I didn't want to hear - another 10 days plus say 2-3 for AF to start! That means my next cycle would start around the 16th of February...errrr...I hate the waiting game! Why do I have to have such messed up ovaries and why does DH have to have such shitty sperm? Questions I will never know and there are no answers to!

Still waiting...

DH is home now, sick and a little grumpy - but home. I started getting really crampy last night and this morning but still no AF. It has to start today or tomorrow, these cramps can't be for nothing.
Here to hoping for AF!!!

Waiting

I've finished my prometrium...now the waiting game! Hopefully my cycle starts soon. I am planning my next O around DH's wrk travel schedule. No real cramps...no discharge...no AF signs yet! Last time AF started before I was even finished the prometrium, I was shocked that it didn't come early this time and still hasn't showed. I am having twinges/slight pain in my right ovary, I hope its not a cyst.

DH will be back Saturday morning, I can't wait...I'm done being at home and alone!

Catch up

First off...I thoroughly enjoyed my "sick day" yesterday. I needed some veg time by myself. And after my bosses stupidity on Friday I didn't feel an ounce of guilt. The stupid women walked into the office Friday morning and said aloud "Are you menstruating?" ...What the F?... Who says that? I believe she was trying to make a comment about my recent flair up of acne, but give me a break! I didn't even know what to say other then...ummm...no! But I would love to have AF now, 2 more nights of prometrium and then I wait to see if it worked.

Weekend update:

Friday night - Preggo friend comes over, determined to find a Doppler for sale to try and hear the heart beat. She is 15 weeks, I try to tell her we probably wont hear anything but she insists she wont be upset if we don't hear anything. We find one, spend some time on playing around with it, think we found the heat beat and even record it on the computer to map out the beats. I tell her lets make sure we don't hear the same thing on anyone else stomach, so I record the same sounds coming from my DH's lower abdomen, and it sounds the exact same. LOL...it was just a bunch of fast gurgling sounds. Needles to say, she was disappointed.

Saturday - We got ready for DH to leave, laundry, packing, breakfast out, shopping, etc. Preggo friend comes over again because her DH is outta town, watched Brothers Soloman and Dangerous Liaisons.

Sunday - Hung out with DH, did laundry and whined that he was going away.

Monday - Watched 'Gone with the Wind' for the 10th time, plan on starting 'Scarlett' the mini-series tonight.

SA news...

DH had his appointment with the Dr. last night. He called from the car to tell me the results, which I was disappointed about but he seemed surprisingly ok with (or fake ok with).

SA #1:

count - 9 mil/ml

motility - 50%

morphology - 20%

We have been waiting since before Christmas to know the actual results, we knew the count was low, but the Dr. said not impossibly low. I was disappointed because I was hoping for a higher count. I guess I was just wishing the Dr. would say "The count is around 20-30 mill/ml but we would like to see it higher". But that was not the case.

However, the lower then expected count was not the main reason for my frustration last night. DH's blood work was screwed up at the lab, no one noticed until DH was sitting in front of the Dr. It was a genetic marker test (the most important one apparently) and it was not completed. This screws up a few things, first off DH was supposed to go for a more advanced analysis today. But that was cancelled because they wont do it until the blood work is complete. This further screws things up because the blood test will take THREE weeks, then he will go for the analysis, which will take another 2 weeks. This all needs to be done before we can move onto anything further treatment. Which means...we will miss my next cycle. SO ANNOYING! Anyways, once the next analysis is done (say 5 weeks from now) IVF Canada will write a final report recommending/approving us for either IUI w/ a wash or that we go straight to IVF. Either way...it looks like we are going to have to start saving our pennies for the IVF Canada doctors.

I mentioned that DH surprisingly seemed ok with all of this news, in fact he was annoyed that I took it as bad news. I frankly don't understand what was good news:

1. The count was low.


2. The lab screwed up and has delayed us.


3. The delay means we miss my next cycle.
   

Sometimes he and I just really don't seem to be able to do anything but agree to disagree on things. We see everything so differently.

If I had to pull good news out of what we learned yesterday I would list it as:

1. At least he had sperm.



2. Even though we aren't doing anything further with my next cycle, I will be back up to the 50 mg of clomid that made me hyper-ovulate the first time, so even with the low count maybe my extra eggs will help.



3. There is still hope. IUI will give us better chances and IVF is the best of the best for our situation. And hopefully in 5 weeks we will be on our way to one of these treatment options.
   

So back to watching the clock, I'll be waiting for AF to come (5 more days of prometrium), DH's blood work and next analysis. Man I just want an ounce of good luck with the baby-makin stuff, some good news would be great! BAHAAHAA....like that's gonna happen.

Weekend forecast:

Gloomy. Spending tonight with my preggo friend...yeah for me! (gag) House work, dwelling on our infertility and getting ready for DH to leave on Sunday for a week (I hate business trips).

Just Waiting

OK...Prometrium 3 days down - 7 more to go! Still no AF symptoms! When I know I've had a failed cycle I can't wait for AF to start, nothing would make me more happy then to find out AF started today. I just want to move on to the next cycle and try again, before I start getting bummed that we are still not pregnant after a year of TTC. Sometimes I get so discouraged I wish I could just give up, the emotional toll every failed cycle takes seems to crush me. I just keep hoping that I will be one of the lucky ones who can post her success story, rather then her journey thru infertility.





DH has his appointment tomorrow. I know its nothing to get excited about, but even a little tid-bit of news would make it seem like we are making some progress.
By Friday we will now his numbers and my curiously will be satisfied. I have to say, I know this might sound terrible but I was slightly glad there ended up being a fertility issue with DH too. Before he found out there might be something wrong with his swimmers, he showed far less compassion towards my feelings concerning my own infertility. He didn't seem to take my PCOS seriously, but as soon as he learned about his own infertility its like a switch went off and he began taking our situation much more seriously. I think it was something that needed to happen to bring both of us closer together and give us a more united front. That being said - it still fraking sucks that his slow swimmers might be another strike against us in the baby making game.

OK...tick...tock...I'll be watching the clock until AF comes...time seems to have slowed down this morning. Why can't my weekend days seem to last as long as my work days.