Our Happy Ending

I have been a bad blogger for over a year now. My blog was started at a time when I needed to vent my frustrations and I needed support from my fellow bloggers - during our difficult (but surprisingly brief) struggles with infertility. My blog provided what I needed and I thank my fellow bloggers for all of their support during our struggles.

We were very lucky and our 'Happy Ending' arrived January 28th, 2010. We have been so happy and lucky with our happy baby girl. She has been an angel and I hate to brag but we got off really easy. Our little girl has been nothing but perfect for the last ten months. She has been so good that she has convinced us we want to have another baby. With that said - I once again feel the need to start blogging. I will be starting a new blog as I feel differently this time, we already have our first 'Happy Ending' and I want to make a fresh bloggy start.

And for your viewing pleasure...although a little late...here are a few pictures of our little girl...

Fini

Long overdue post

I haven't posted in forever but I have been keeping up with many of the blogs I started reading at the end of last year! I am so happy for so many of my fellow bloggers who have become pregnant during the last 9 months - in fact one blogger is going in for her scheduled C tomorrow and will finally get to meet her twins, such exciting news! And one blogger just announced today that her HCG levels are rising and she is pregnant - I wish her all the best in the upcoming months.

Now for my update - I am 22 weeks now and I am very happy to announce that we are having a little girl. I totally felt like it was going to be a boy but I was proven wrong. We've had two ultrasounds since 19 weeks and both determined that the gender was female, we have a 3D ultrasound booked in November which I'm looking forward to, I want to see my little tummy monkey dance around again!

I have all my bedding for the nursery and now we have to paint, decorate and assemble the furniture (once it arrives)! I'm really excited to get the nursery set up, so I can dress it and start putting all of her little clothes into the room - all the fun girly stuff!

The pregnancy thus far hasn't been too bad, I started taking diclectin for morning sickness at around 11 weeks, we've tried to ween me off it but I'm still taking two pills a day and still feeling sick in the evenings. I have been feeling her move since around 17 weeks but in the last 3 weeks I've noticed her getting much stronger. She moves around all the time - poking me and and kicking. I love her movement most of the time but at night when I'm trying to sleep I wish she would just calm down and sleep too. I've been having pretty bad back/hip pain the last week, I guess I'll just have to see what happens there. And sleeping is almost a joke - I can't get into a deep sleep. I fall asleep easily but only sleep a few hours and have to pee or just wake up for no reason and can't fall asleep again or get comfy. My dh says I toss and turn all night to - ohwell!

I hopefully will update more often! I have a few pics to post. There is a 19 week ultrasound pic and a few from my 19 week maternity shoot. I've been working with a photographer who is building his maternity portfolio, so we are doing a series from 19 weeks and are planning to do at least 2 more shoots!

Best of luck to everyone!!!

OB appointment

So the OB's office called with the first appointment details today and they booked me for August 17th!!! That will make me 15 weeks! Maybe this is me just over reacting but that seems way to long to wait, I thought waiting until 13 weeks was a long time.

My husband just pointed out we will be out of the country then so I have an excuse to change the appointment. Hopefully they will move it up and not further back.

I don't know - apparently waiting until the 13th week is common practice, but I don't really consider my pregnancy an average one. When people go through so much hassle to conceive I think that more monitoring is necessary - if only to keep them sane. My friend who is having her baby today was seen at 6 weeks by her OB and then every month from that point on. I guess I could look for another OB - there are lots to choose from, but I was with this doctor because he was recommended my our fertility doctor. Grrr...I don't like hassle, and I know from speaking with the receptionist at the OB's office...trying to change the appointment is going to be a hassle.

I still hate fertile people...

OK...I'll start off with even though I am pregnant now...when I hear stories of people getting pregnant super easy...it still pisses me off! My husband recently decided to rekindle a friendship with a girlfriend from university. Now I have never met this girl and it annoys me that he would choose this time in our life to contact this person...but whatever! Anyways she is getting married in a few weeks and we have to attend her wedding (ugghhh)...but to the point...I just answered my voice mail and there was a message from her. So my husband called her and she called specifically to announce to him that she is 4.5 weeks pregnant...gross! I couldn't care less that she is having a baby and I didn't need to have her rub it in that it only took one month...errr!!!

I can't help it, I just don't think I needed to here that information. Some comment was made between her and my husband that our babies will only be a month a part and I couldn't help myself from saying...'yeah...that's if both pregnancies continue, since its still early days!'...I know it was bitchy but its the truth!

I'm also kindda on edge about the hematoma they found during the ultrasound...I keep checking for blood and its driving me kind of nuts. Its not that I am worried that its going to affect the pregnancy but knowing that I am probably going to bleed in the next few days or weeks is bugging me, especially since I wont be seeing anyone until my 14th week. That's 5 more weeks before I see the OB and after weekly updates it just feels weird to have to wait so long. I guess it will be fine, it just feels like a long time to wait!

Anyways...happier news...my best friend is having her baby tomorrow and I am super excited!

Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today and everything looked great! There is one amazing baby with a strong heart beat.

We saw and heard the heart beat today, which was amazing! I didn't think we would get to hear anything today, but we did and our little one's heart was loud and clear. My husband was only able to come in after the tech had done her job, but I also didn't see the screen until he came in so we got to see everything for the first time together.

After the ultrasound we spoke with our doctor, who confirmed everything looked great. He said that at this point there is only a 3% change of miscarriage, so with that news we decided to let people know whats going on. We are tired of having to lie to everyone who asks about baby stuff, since so many family members and friends knew we were going through infertility treatment, it has been almost impossible to keep them out of our current good news loop. So the news is out - we will be expecting our first baby February 9th, 2010.

The only unusual news we received was that I have a small blood clot on the placenta wall (something that occurred when the yok sac was detaching or something). Anyways, I was told it WILL NOT affect the pregnancy in anyway, but to expect some brown spotting or bleeding in the next few weeks as it will eventually detach and expel. So I'm not supposed to worry about it. My next ultrasound should be around 11 weeks, but it will be determined by my new OB since I am now officially released from IVF Canada!

For your viewing pleasure...introducing baby in his or her first photo...

Just waiting a little more

I still have one more day to go before our first ultrasound Thursday morning. It has been torture waiting this long to see anything...so many of my fellow infertiles have seen there little beans at least once already. But I guess I shouldn't complain, I was blessed with a BFP after IVM cycle#1 and my bloodwork looked great three weeks in a row.

I'm not 'that' nervous about the upcoming ultrasound because I have been feeling SO sick, but there is still a little part of me that is worried that there will be no heartbeat and this will be over. But fingers crossed that that's not the case. I've also still been having mild cramps and stretching feelings going on in my uterus area, they freak me out every time...but when they don't happen I get worried because I haven't felt anything for awhile. My boobs have slightly increased in size, I already have big boobs but I got a shock today, as I discovered how big they REALLY are.

My best friend is having her baby (C-section) next Wednesday, we went today to get her some maternity bras from a fancy boutique downtown. For the hell of it I was also fitted to see what size I was ( I knew my Victoria Secret DD bras were too small and I was never really sized for a bra). Now I am 5'6" and around 135lbs (maybe a bit less now since I have been sick), I had no idea what my real bra size was nor how high the sizes actually went to. I was SHOCKED to discover that I measured 32G cup...holy cow...and I'm only 8 weeks preggo...I don't even want to imagine what size I'll end up when breast feeding, the cup sizes goes up to M! Anyways, I did treat myself to a totally sexy maternity/nursing bra that fits me amazingly and gives a little room for my cup size to increase and lots of room for my ribs to expand. This place had the most awesome bras, the brand I got was HOTMILK...so cute.

Anyways, I'll update on Thursday - hopefully with only good news to report!

Beta # 3

Just got the result for the 28dp3dt beta and the number was 46981 - which I am pleased with. I called the clinic and they couldn't find my beta results which totally freaked me out because I completely thought something went wrong. But they just ended up running the tests a few times and my results hadn't come in.

I asked them what the median beta results should be at this point and they said anywhere between 5000 - 200000, which wasn't really helpful. But they said my number is exactly where it should be right now. When I punch the number into the the doubling time calculator my doubling time right now is 2.3 days, so everything still looks good there since I'm 6w4d today and between the 6th and 7th week hcg levels can take as long as 3.5 days to double.

Other then the beta news...all I have to report is nausea and morning sickness, which is more like all day sickness and especially evening sickness. I have only puked once but I feel queasy all the time and it gets much worse later on in the afternoon and evening. However, I really wanted this morning sickness, so I'm sucking it up and waiting for the first trimester to be over (although my mother was sick her whole pregnancy x2).

On a final note, much to my dismay we have to wait 10 more days till the first ultrasound. It just seems so long away. My non-infertile friends got ultrasounds at the same time I will or sooner, I'll be in the 8th week by then. Ohwell...I guess I've waited this long a few more days wont hurt.

Beta # 2

Ok...today was a big day! I was sick with nerves all morning and was dreading the call about the second beta. I was hoping for a number around 5000'ish (since doubling every two days would have brought me to 5018 at 21tp3dt. I was super happy to find out that this beta was...5870...so all is good in beta land! (And the clinic is also really pleased with the number!)

One more beta in one weeks time and then if all is still well...the first ultrasound the following Monday!

Beta #1

First Beta: 418 - they said they were very happy with that number and it was a good strong positive for 14dp3dt. I'm pleased with the number, but my next beta wont be for another week. I'm a little bummed about this...I wish I could see the numbers doubling so I could be reassured that everything was moving along. A whole week...I don't know how I'll survive...especially with the cramping...I'm going to be on edge all week.

Ok...so I guess I'll have nothing to post for another week, although I'm sure I'll keep POAS if only to keep me sane over the next 6 days.

The first part of the day is over

I stuck to my plan...went for my blood work, came home, POAS...and then was too nervous to even look at it. I was so positive that this cycle was a bust. I plucked up the courage...peeked at the pee-stick...and POW...it was a big frakin POSITIVE!!! I seriously couldn't believe it and still can't really believe it. DH is really happy and we told both of our parents that at least the pee-stick was a positive. I'll get the beta results back at 2pm - so hopefully the numbers will be ok. But right now I am ecstatic that my pee-stick came back positive. This is my first positive pregnancy test (which I was thinking might not ever happen) and I am just thrilled we make it this far. After we got the initial shock that there were so many issues with just initial fertilization I was worried that the 2 embryos might not continue to divide pass the 3 day mark, never mind implant.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we get some more good news this afternoon, and that the next few weeks continue to go well.

For your viewing pleasure...

Last day

This is the last day/the last post before tomorrow's beta. I still have not POAS (I don't know how I've managed that...but I did)...technically I could now...since enough time has passed...but I wont because I'm going to stick to my plan.

The 2ww went by fairly smoothly and quickly - I'm not sure I want it to end though. I think I prefer living in ignorant bliss, not knowing if it worked or not. I have no idea if it did or didn't work. I started cramping last Monday, which made me think AF was going to come...but its been 7 days of on again / off again cramping and no sign of AF...not even any spotting or coloured discharge. The cramping seems to be worse in the evenings and during the night...some times strong enough to wake me up. More then once I've thought AF had reared her ugliness and I've run to the bathroom to check, but nothing!

Of course I've googled every thing to do with cramping during the 2ww and have read countless stories of women who experienced similar cramping only to end up pregnant. Yet I've also read probably as many stories where women cramped and didn't end up pregnant. So, I guess the only real truth can be known tomorrow...I'm dreading it! I feel doomed to failure, but at the same time I keep thinking my luck has to change some time...since we've already had so much crap news...maybe good news is on the horizon. I don't know...I think until I have a baby in my arms I will only know failure and not be able to except the possibility of success (in regards to my fertility...or lack there of it)!

As of now I plan on sticking with my original plan. Go first thing tomorrow morning for the beta, come home, POAS and face reality - whatever it may be this cycle. I don't think I can be too upset if it didn't work, but I know I'll be ecstatic if it did work. So here's to hoping for a positive pee-stick and beta, one more evening of ignorant bliss, hopefully a good nights sleep and the strength to get through the next few days!

Mabybe...Maybe NOT

I don't know why...maybe its the cramps...or maybe its just a feeling...but if I was a betting person...I'd put money down on this cycle as a failed one. I just have a feeling today that it didn't work. I can't explain why...I just feel like it didn't work. I would love to be wrong but I have a feeling that the verdict on Monday...is going to be a big fat negative.

I guess I wont know until Monday...since I am refusing to POAS. I know it sounds negative...but today...this is just how I feel. If it is a negative on Monday...I think the most annoying part is going to be explaining it to our parents/siblings...no matter how many times we/I try to tell them that this is NOT a sure thing...they don't seem to get it. They just assume that it will work for sure...if 2 embryos are in there - then why wouldn't I be pregnant. Ahhh...I can't stand trying to explain to them...over and over again. My mother in-law called again today for an update...I get that she is excited...but geeezzz...there is nothing to update!

Ok...waiting hasn't been 'that' bad...

I thought the 2ww was going to be torture, especially knowing that there were two (at least three day) embryos in the ute this time. But surprisingly it hasn't been as bad as I anticipated it might be. Time as been moving along...I've been keeping myself busy...party planning, shopping and gardening (but a more laid back kind of gardening since I was advised to 'take it easy'.)

Today is 10dp3dt, my clinic doesn't run a first beta until 15days. So I still have 5 more to go and I am refusing to POAS! The clinic advised against it...but there is a very specific reason why I have been avoiding POAS. I am hosting a baby shower for my 'way too fertile' friend this Saturday. I don't want to have my own baby hopes crushed...and then have to host a baby shower! Everyone expected me to throw the shower, since I am the party planner...and when I agreed to it back in November...I had NO idea our fertility problems were going to be so complex...we still thought our only issue was the PCOS...and were told that clomid/timed intercourse should result in a baby.

Oh well...I've totally enjoyed planning the party...and its kept my mind off of the 2ww! And seriously who would have ever thought that the party would end up falling only a mere few days before my first IVF beta...heck...I sure didn't...I thought I would for sure be pregnant by now!

So the only real update I have is... I am refusing to POAS...which is sorta killing me! (I think I am close to kicking the habit though...I did it so much over the last 18 months...I think there are only so many negative results one can read before they can't take it any more!) I am still having various symptoms though...but its hard to tell if they are drug induced or pregnancy induced. My boobs are killing me...trying to sleep has been hard because my boobs hurt so much, its like an achy/ tingly hurt that is present all the time...not just to touch. And I have been having cramps for at least 3 days, they feel like AF cramps...but no sign of AF or even any spotting. I have a few theories about the cramps...I have read many blogs where women have totally thought their IVF cycle was a bust because they were sure AF was coming but but never shows and they end up pregnant. So...I am taking the cramps as a good sign for two main reasons: 1.) Af hasn't started 2.) I have really long cycles...and it would be out of character to have AF cramps this early.

I'm not saying I think I am pregnant because at this point I still feels like its fifty-fifty! I haven't given up hope...but I am still being cautiously optimistic. I think of it like this...say I have a 30% chance of success this first round of IVM...if the weather report says sunny with clouds and a 30% chance of precipitation...everyone assumes...its not going to rain for sure...because its only a 30% chance. So...I can't get too excited...I feel like the odds are still against me in some way...because I know for sure I wouldn't bring my umbrella for only a 30% chance of rain...so I'm definitely not going to go out and start buying baby gear!

Whatever the outcome of this cycle...I'll survive...and I'll try again...and again...until I get the prize. For now I have 5 more days to go until I know for sure...my plan is to go in first thing Monday morning...have my blood drawn. Come home...and then POAS...that way if I do get a BFP-it will be confirmed later that day with the beta results. And if its a BFN...I can lessen the blow...get out my frustration before the clinic calls with unpleasant news.

Waiting

I'm sitting here waiting...waiting for either good news or bad news and I still have 8 more days to wait.

If the emmies were going to stop dividing and not make it any further (at this point) they will have already stopped. There are so many things that could have already gone wrong. Since the other embryos that didn't make it were such poor quality...I still worry that the two they transferred will end up sharing the same poor quality fate.

Or maybe...the two they transferred are still kickin it in the ute...and I'll get a big fat positive in 8 days. The wait is killing me though...knowing that both or one of the emmies could have made it...and having to wait to know...bahhh...ohwell! Patience has never been a strong point for me.

The embryos are in...

Too tired to write a long post tonight but everything seems to have gone well today. The embryos were both 8 cells this morning...right where they were supposed to be. Resting...and sleeping.

Today was slightly brighter.

We got our next call from the embryologist this morning...we prepared ourselves for the worst after talking before bed last night. We knew the chances of our remaining two 'some-what' normal looking embryos of continuing to divide were slim and whatever news we received...we would just deal with it and move on.

When the phone rang this morning I was still half asleep. We pulled ourselves together and picked it up...and to our surprise...the embryologist told us our two remaining embryos had dived and were looking good. We couldn't believe it! She said they were surprised as well...but they look good and will be transferred tomorrow morning at 7:30am...as long as they are still fine at transfer time.

So...to our amazement we still have two 4 cell B-grade embryos. When I asked about the difference between an A or B grade the embryologist explained that the A-grade has no fragmentation of the cells, B has few fragments...and the grading continues to C,D and E-grades...the lower the grade equals more fragmentation of the cells and the less likely hood of implantation. She said that the pregnancy rates between A and B grade embryos are almost exactly the same...so that is also good news.

OK...we have something good to look forward to this cycle. Despite this cycle not turning out quite as we expected it to...it looks like we will have two embryos to transfer tomorrow...and all we can do know is sit back and wait.

I'll update tomorrow after the transfer...I don't plan on doing much of anything for a few days...just sitting around and hoping the little 'emmies' settle in for the long haul!

Today just sucked.

We waited all morning for the embryologist to call us with the embryo/fertilization report. She called at 11 - a couple of hours later then she said she would but I kind of wished she had never called at all...ever! I thought I prepared myself for any worse case scenario...no fertilization...very few matured eggs or no matured eggs...but not for what we found out.

Turns out 8 of my 9 eggs matured...which was great news...then they were fertilized with ICSI. So technically we/our RE were expecting little to no problems with the initial process of fertilization...of course there may have been issues with embryos continuing to divide but not with just fertilizing. As of 11am today we did have 2 'normally fertilized' embryos, 4 'abnormally fertilized' and 2 that did nothing at all...which was VERY unexpected...especially since we used ICSI. It appears as if there is an issue with either our eggs or sperm...there is a genetic mutation that is screwing things up and we wont know any more details then that...since a genetic specialist would have to look into it...and apparently that would be like $10,000.00!

I am pissed...I just can't believe we have been hit with infertility X 3...female factor, male factor and now genetic factor...whoot whoot...man my husband and I are real winners! I am so mad right now.

Our next steps will have to be determined after our 'case' is reviewed. But we will see what is happening with our 2 fertilized embryos tomorrow...the embryologist said not to get our hopes up but since the other 6 were so fucked up (paraphrasing here) we shouldn't have high hopes for the two that seemed to have started to divide. At this point if they don't survive/take...we will have to start a process of elimination...either try this way again, attempt with donor sperm to confirm male genetic factor and if that doesn't work then I guess try ovum donation to confirm female genetic factor...I just don't know...this whole thing just got a lot messier.

I don't know what I am feeling right now...I have a lot more to say about this but I'll post again tomorrow after I hear more news.

Home from egg retrieval

I'm back...crampy and unsure of how I feel. Everything went well with the retrieval...I let a few tears slide on the OR table but the last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying something about the courage of a lion and wiping my escaped tears away...next thing I knew I was waking up in another bed in recovery.

I was surprised to hear what the embryologist had to tell us before we left - which is also why I don't feel ecstatic about this mornings retrieval. Two days ago they counted at lest 14 follies measuring around 14mm - I was under the impression that at least 14 could have been retrieved and possibly more smaller ones since this is an IVM cycle not IVF. There was also the possibility of retrieving already mature eggs - but they were mainly expecting immature eggs since we are doing IVM.

What was actually retrieved today were 9 eggs all immature. Now its not that I am unhappy with this because 9 eggs are still better then no eggs...its just I was expecting more and there was no explanation as to why we only ended up with 9. Maybe its just the way things are.

What is most annoying to me is my husbands reaction - he thinks I should be perfectly happy with 9 eggs and he doesn't see why it upsets me. First off this is IVM not IVF, which means my eggs have 24 hours to mature and usually only 70-80% mature. So lets say 7 make it to fertilization, we are using ICSI, so all 'should' fertilize. Then the remaining embryos need to continue to divide for 2 additional days before transfer. Hopefully all (say) 7 make it and two embryos are transferred. Which means we would have 5 left to freeze, but they need 2 additional days to make it to the blastocyct freeze stage and it is very unlikely that all of the remaining embryos will survive until the freeze stage. So I'm 'guessing' our best case scenario ends up leaving us with 1 or 2 embryos to freeze, which also means that if they don't take the first time I will probably end up having to go through this all over again.

I guess I was just hoping for a higher amount of eggs retrieved, so that if it doesn't work the first time there would be a greater chance of having more frozen embryos so I could avoid the whole retrieval process again. Errrr...I really just think its my husbands attitude that makes me the most upset/annoyed...its fine for him to think of ONLY the positive...all he'll have to do is jerk off into cup if we end up needing to go through this again.

I'm trying to stay positive - this cycle is what it is! I can't change what has already happened and I don't really have any control over what will or might happen. I plan on just taking it day by day the next couple of weeks. I wont have anymore news until Saturday, so until then I'll just be waiting.

Night before retrieval

OK...well its the night before my retrieval...and my stomach is turning a little from nerves. I'm trying to concentrate on the last American Idol ...but my mind is all over the place. My appetite has disappeared since the HCG shot last night...I have felt nauseous and a little light headed all day. Oh well...in 12 hours this will all be over and we will be moving on to the next steps.

I just checked a blog I follow...I was hoping for some good news...she got her beta results back today...but unfortunately it was a BFN after an IVF cycle...that totally sucks...fuck...why does this have to be so difficult for some of us!

Update

Everything is still a go...here in my little IVM world! I have been to the clinic daily since Friday - they have been monitoring my follies and blood work. They were a little concerned on Saturday that one follicle was a little too big and that I might surge on my own. So they gave me a shot to suppress any possible LH surge and by this mornings ultrasound it appears as if many of the smaller follicles have caught up to the one big one. They said they would schedule the retrieval once two follicle reached 14mm...well...today I had around 20 at the 14mm size...and many (I'm told too many to count) smaller ones!

I'm excited and a little shocked that everything seems to be moving along...the last week has been emotional and stressful as I have been constantly on edge and worrying that they might cancel the cycle. I take my HCG injection tonight at 7:30, tomorrow is a day off from blood and ultrasounds and Thursday morning at 9:30 I have my ovum retrieval. It still doesn't seem real!